Chapter 3.13: Gray Skies

A/N: Some strong sexual content and language in this chapter. Reader discretion is advised. Otherwise, thanks for waiting so patiently and enjoy!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

28 hours, 47 minutes, and 18 seconds.

28 hours, 47 minutes, and 18 seconds.

It’s how long my son, born at just 22 weeks, survived before his underdeveloped lungs collapsed and his struggling heart stopped, too weak to support his life.

28 hours. 47 minutes. 18 seconds.

They were the most stressful, nightmarish hours I had ever been through in my life. 28 hours, 47 minutes, and 18 seconds worth of hoping, praying, and begging, but no one had listened…and now I had nothing. I couldn’t bring myself to move. Could barely bring myself to breathe, but of course my brain took over that, which is good, because if breathing were entirely voluntary, I don’t think I would have survived that day. Just like my little boy.

28 hours. 47 minutes. 18 seconds.

And I have never before felt so unbelievably empty.

Catherine is awake. Catherine is fine. She’s home. Riley is thrilled- no longer angry with me. She’s doing so well, and I’m so glad, but my body doesn’t feel it. Is that even possible? To be “happy,” but to not experience the feeling at all? Could I even say I was happy then? I mean, I was…except my heart ached, and my stomach twisted, and my head hurt, and my eyes constantly burned with the pain of my loss.

I wish I could feel happy. I really do. I should be feeling that way. After all, Catherine is saved, thank god.

But my little boy is gone…and he always will be.

I’m having difficulty writing. There are just no words. No words at all.

I’m at home. Have been home. It’s been weeks. We had a small funeral of sorts. Every time I think I’m done crying, I find more tears to shed.

Jiang and I haven’t talked much. He keeps assuring me that he’s not mad at me. That it wasn’t my fault. That these things happen. That he just…needs time. But the more distant he becomes, the more angry I am convinced he is, and the more responsible I feel for the loss of our child. Our little boy.

I want to scream. I want to cry. And I do. I shriek and I sob and I pull at my hair, punch out my pillow, but, nothing, nothing will bring him back.

“It hurts,” I whispered into the quiet one night, facing Jiang as we lay on our bed,

“I know,” he whispered. “I feel it too.”

“All the time.”

“All the time,” he agreed miserably.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. You were doing everything you were supposed to.”

“My body’s not good enough to have children,” I whispered hoarsely, my eyes burning once again. “It’s broken.”

“That’s not true,” Jiang murmured, reaching out to grasp my hand. “You know it isn’t. The doctor said we could try again…someday.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I know.”

“I want our baby boy. I don’t want another one. I want him! Why did he leave us, Jiang?” I shouted in despair. “Why did he go?! Why was he TAKEN from us?!”

Jiang looked straight at me, his own eyes brimming over with hot, bitter tears. “I don’t know,” he managed to whisper. “I just don’t know.” I met his eyes…and then we both started sobbing, holding each other tightly in the cold misery of the night until finally, exhausted, we fell into a fitful sleep.

“How are you?” I asked as I lay with Catherine on the beach, the warmth of the sun beating down upon our faces. I turned my head slightly, to where Chandler was playing in the sandbox. He looked so happy. Catherine glanced over at me, watching me watch Chandler with a sad look upon her face. Please don’t pity me.

“I’m good. What about you?” she asked seriously, her eyes seeming to bore into my soul. I could have lied, I suppose, but she would have known.

“Getting by,” I mumbled, turning away and trying to find shapes in the clouds above. Stop looking at me like that. I shifted myself so I wasn’t in her direct line of sight. “I mean…it’s been better,” I said lightly. A lie.If Catherine picked up on it though, she chose not to address it, simply nodding instead.

“I-…I wasn’t…well, I wasn’t sure how to tell you this, but…well…”

“You can say it, whatever it is,” I interrupted, looking over at her and clearing my throat. “Seriously, I’m fine. It’s just hard, you know?”

“Yeah,” she whispered. “It’s…” she sighed heavily, leaning back and gazing up at the sky. “I never thought it’d be possible after everything that happened, but…well….I’m pregnant, Tamara,” she rushed out at last, her worried eyes quickly darting to mine. I went rigid, my heart seeming to beat in slow motion. I don’t think the news would have had quite so strong an impact on me had she not been looking at me the way she was now. Had she not been so hesitant to share the news with me.

“That’s great,” I managed in a voice that was quite unlike my own. “Seriously. Gosh, it’s so incredible how fully you healed. Maybe…maybe there was something to be said about that Sphinx,” I said in a rush, trying to change the subject. Maybe if I stopped talking about it, the thought would leave my mind and stop sending signals to my heart to hurt.

“Maybe,” she admitted, picking up on my reluctance to linger on the topic. “I’m…I’m really happy about it.” A smile appeared on her face, lighting up her features. I always thought she was the prettier of the two of us. The kindest. The better one. I guess she was more deserving of happiness. My eyes burned suddenly and I took a shuddering breath, staring up at the sky. I tried to ignore Catherine’s eyes on me. I wish she’d just stop looking at me. I looked anywhere but her direction. “It’s okay to admit that you’re not okay,” Catherine finally said quietly, brushing her hair out of her face. It was nearly back to its previous length again.

Her persistence annoyed me. “Alright, I’m not okay then,” I snapped, twisting my head toward her. “No, in fact, I’m really fucking not okay, alright? Is that what you wanted me to say? Is that better? Because you know FUNNY ENOUGH I don’t feel the least bit better. In fact, I kind of feel even shittier, so yeah, thanks for that. So fucking glad I admitted that. Totally beneficial!” I spat, sarcasm oozing from every syllable that passed my lips.

“I was just saying,” Catherine responded in distress, adjusting herself on the ground. “Jeez. And stop cursing, Chandler will hear you!”

“At least your son can fucking hear!” I screamed, getting up from the ground so fast that my head spun. I stumbled for a second and then turned on her, frustration blinding me. “No, wait, AT LEAST YOU FUCKING HAVE A SON!” I shrieked, gesturing at her perfect boy who looked back at me with wide eyes and lips set in a perfect “O.” I looked away from him and stormed off without a look back.

I wish I could say I just left with what little dignity I had, but instead as I walked away ragged sobs escaped my being.

Would this ever get easier?

I don’t know if it did get any easier, but I did find ways to distract myself. I tinkered with and upgraded appliances around the house, applying my penchant for fixing things, for solving puzzles, as it were. I read books. I continued to go to work, putting everything I had into perfecting my body and improving at the sport, desperate to rise in the ranks. I’d never really had much interest in officially joining The Llamas soccer team, just because I was always traveling or distracted, but now nothing meant more to me. I felt alive when my muscles ached, when they trembled as I kicked that ball with all my might, watching as it soared above the heads of talented goalies, proclaiming victory. I had always been fit, but now it was an obsession—I needed to condition myself into the perfect player, and that’s exactly what I did.

It wasn’t long before I was promoted to being an official starter for The Llamas, playing the part of forward. Instead of feeling proud and joyous though, I just felt numb. Grim almost. I’d achieved my goal, but drew no happiness from it.

Was I actually broken at this point? There was only so much a person could take and I had to wonder…had I reached that breaking point? Regardless, I had to keep on, had to keep living, had to keep going, and maybe, maybe, I’d feel like myself again someday. But today was not the day, and neither, it seemed, was tomorrow.

As time went by I decided to adopt another cat—a playmate for Cleo. I named him Marc and even though I still felt numb, his silliness would actually manage to draw the rare smile out of me.

I think Cleo liked him too, as they got along surprisingly well. Caring for them was yet another thing on my list of distractions. They may not have been the cure for this endless gray abyss I seemed to be trapped in, but at least they got me not to think about it, and that was enough for me.

For now at least.

“Don’t you think you’re overdoing it?” Jiang asked one day after he’d come home from work and showered, finding me on the treadmill. I looked up in surprise, having not heard him come home yet. He looked tired. Just as I’d been throwing myself into being the best player this team had seen in awhile, he’d been throwing himself into his own work. He’d gotten a job at the local hospital, training and practicing to be a paramedic. He often came home exhausted, but I knew he liked the work. There was no better cure for a busy mind.

“I have to keep in shape,” I responded, looking out the window again and putting on an extra burst of strength to get through my last mile. My muscles were screaming, but the pain felt good. It was better than feeling numb at least.

“You are. You could easily beat me up,” Jiang remarked, a small smile appearing on his drawn features.

“I always could have beaten you up,” I replied with a small smile of my own.

“I’ve missed that.”

“Hmm?”

“You, smiling. Hell I-…I miss you in general, Tamara,” Jiang said quietly, no trace of a smile remaining in his tone. “We’ve barely spoken.”

“We’ve been busy,” I supplied, trying to ignore the guilty feeling that began to grow in my gut.

“Tamara…” he murmured, and then paused. He placed his hand on mine and then looked at me so seriously that I couldn’t help but stop, slowing down the treadmill to a still. “I…I feel like we’ve drifted.” I stepped off the treadmill and looked at Jiang, my heart suddenly beating hard. “I miss you,” he whispered, taking my hands in his. I didn’t know why, but my eyes began to burn with hot tears at that point. I guess it didn’t take a lot these days though. Not while I lived in my gray oblivion.

“I miss you too,” I managed, meeting his gaze. “I’m….I’m sorry,” I said in a strained voice, suddenly feeling scared. Scared that I would lose him. Scared that he was going to leave me. My throat tightened and I stood stock still, willing myself not to fall to my knees and beg.

“Hey,” he said then, gently lifting my chin. I met his eyes, my vision blurring with my tears. To my surprise, Jiang smiled at me. “I just meant that I want to spend more time with you. …and…to be honest, I’m the one who wanted to apologize,” he said now, his gaze serious. “For not being there for you through all of this…all of this shit.”

“You have been. I mean—I don’t blame you. I haven’t either,” I wiped my eyes, trying to calm myself now that it was clear my husband wasn’t leaving me. “It’s just been so hard,” I whispered. Jiang nodded in response, his face paling some as he looked down at our joined hands. We were both so broken.

“I know,” he agreed quietly. “I thought…I thought maybe we could go out. Together. Get our minds off things.”

“Tonight?” I asked, perplexed. I couldn’t picture us going out at all. What would we do? It felt too inappropriate to go out dancing…to laugh…to have fun. Not after….

But it’s been months since that day. Several months.

Maybe it was time to laugh once again?

“Sometime,” he answered. “It doesn’t have to be tonight.” I thought hard for a moment and then finally nodded slightly, surprised that I was even agreeing.

I just hoped I wouldn’t regret it.

It was a couple weeks after that when we both had a free night (and no work in the morning!) to spend with each other. I felt weird as I got ready, dolling myself up for the first time in who knows how long. Really weird. But there was another feeling too I felt as I looked in that mirror, smoothing out my dress and putting the last touches on my eye makeup, and that was a hint of excitement.

Maybe, just maybe, this wouldn’t be so bad.

To my surprise, Jiang took us to a Karaoke bar. Apparently it was something he’d like to do back in China, and when one opened in town awhile back he’d been really happy about it. For obvious reasons though, this would be the first time we actually went.

We felt awkward at first. Or at least I did. I felt like somehow, over the past year or so, I’d forgotten how to have fun. We took our seats at the bar and Jiang decided to order a round of drinks.

We must have looked kind of weird then, just sitting in silence and watching the bartender prepare some mystery concoction for us. She glanced at us as she poured and then I could have sworn added a bit more liquor to our drinks. Not that I was surprised. She was probably feeling pretty bad for the sorry, silent couple sitting at her bar.

I have to say though…once I had a couple drinks in my system, I was feeling a lot less awkward, talking and giggling with Jiang as we downed our drinks probably much faster than we should have. It was just…as soon as I’d begun to feel that light-headed, carefree feeling floating through my being, I knew that I had to have more of it. I hadn’t felt so un-weighed down by the bullshit in my life in a long while, and finally having that feeling was addicting.

I was pretty convinced too that Jiang felt the same way and pretty soon we were in a mini-race to see who could finish off the most drinks the fastest. This resulted in us bursting out in uninhibited laughter when I stumbled sideways into Jiang, spilling his drink as he clumsily caught me.

“I think that means I win. You didn’t finish that drink!” I declared proudly as I tried to squirm out of Jiang’s arms, failing because I wasn’t exactly on my feet yet.

“I think I’m holding it better though,” Jiang argued, falling forward as he attempted to set me on my feet. Our legs tangled together and then we both fell onto the floor in a tangled mess, laughing indecently loud.

It felt incredible.

“I don’t think I’ve told you yet, but you look amazing tonight,” Jiang announced once we had both gotten off the floor and steadied ourselves once more.

“Oh, you have. Just a few times…or seven,” I said with a grin. “But that’s okay. I’ve pretty much been wanting to jump you all night.” Jiang raised his eyebrows at me in a bemused expression that sent me giggling all over again. “HEY! We should sing!” I finally suggested through my laughter.

“I CHOOSE THE SONG!” Jiang cried, already running toward the karaoke machine and stage the bar had set up.

“No fair!” I yelled, chasing after him as fast as I could on heels.

I ended up beating Jiang to the stage as he struggled to step onto it, tripping and nearly falling over.

“Holding it better, huh?” I jeered playfully as I hopped onto the stage and began flipping wildly through the music options.

“Damn it,” Jiang laughed, finally getting up onto the stage just as I’d made a selection. “What did you choo-” Jiang started to ask, but then didn’t have to finish his question as the introduction to Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” began blaring throughout the entire establishment. “You didn’t!” he said with a shocked look on his face, but I was already belting out the first note (totally out of tune, but OH WELL) with all of my heart.

“CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCEEE!”

To my surprise, Jiang then joined in enthusiastically on the “ra ra ra ah ahs,” although with his slight accent it sounded a little bit more like “La la la ah ah ah.” I burst out into laughter as he launched into the first verse, barely even looking at the screen.

“How do you know this song so well!?” I asked as I got off track and had to hastily scan the screen and figure out where we were.

“They play American music like this ALL the time in Shang Simla,” he said during a short interlude. It was then that I figured out where we were, the two of us belting out, “I’m a free bitch, baby!” and then losing ourselves to our laughter. We could barely even finish the song and I’m pretty sure some people out in the audience even started booing us, but who cared!?

We were having the time of our lives and nothing else really mattered.

After we finished singing we went upstairs to see what they had and were immediately delighted to find a photo booth.

“Pictures!” we cried, both racing toward the booth. Jiang beat me this time, but I quickly followed after, sitting down on the bench with him as he got the machine started.

We took all kinds of silly pictures, making faces, dancing in place, and who knows what else really? We took some nice pictures too though, smiling and holding each other, exchanging kisses and just overall enjoying each other’s presence. I crawled into Jiang’s lap at some point, our lips never breaking apart. His hands were on my thighs and I suddenly felt so hot, as if the temperature had risen several degrees in that tiny booth. It might have been that moment when I forgot what we’d been doing and where we were as I pulled myself closer to Jiang, pressing against him and slipping my tongue into his mouth. It had been too long.

He let out a soft groan, his grip tightening upon my thighs and my senses became entirely clouded by the feel and the taste of the man pressed against me. Feeling particularly emboldened by his reaction, I reached down between us and began unbuttoning his pants. His hips lifted slightly to make my mission easier and it was all I could do not to just tear off his clothes now and take him right then and there. One of Jiang’s hands moved up to my breast in that moment, the other sliding between my legs and soon making me stifle a moan as I buried my face in his neck, my fingernails digging into his back.

A moment later and I shuddered, letting out a soft cry as he slowly moved his hand away. We fumbled clumsily for a moment then as Jiang retrieved something from his pocket…and then soon replaced his hand with something muchbetter.

It was fast and maybe even overly rough, but I didn’t think either of us cared in that moment. All we wanted was each other, and this feeling, this break in the numbness that we’d been feeling for so, so long. We smashed our lips together to muffle our shouts and I felt for the first time that instead of being lost in this gray expanse, a bright beam of sunlight, hot and glowing was bursting its way through—and all that was left was its brilliant, burning light. And as Jiang’s grip on me tightened, his hips jerking once and a shuddering breath escaping his lips, I knew he felt the same way too.

And it was perfect.

After tidying ourselves up and leaving the booth one-by-one (barely necessary anyway since no one seemed to be up here), we tried to enjoy the rest of our night as usual, but we had a difficult time keeping our hands off of each other.

After the third time during our game of skee ball when this happened, we finally gave up, deciding to call it a night and go home. My nerves thrummed with excitement as we hurriedly made our way downstairs, averting everyone’s gaze. We didn’t really have to worry though. There were only a few stragglers left at this point as the bar was starting to close up for the night.

We took a taxi home and then quietly, but hurriedly made it upstairs and into our bedroom, where we immediately fell onto our bed.

“Jiang?” I whispered as he was gently pushing me onto my back.

“Hmm?” he asked, reluctantly stopping to meet my gaze.

“I want to try again,” I said, and then, noticing the confused look on his face, clarified. “I want to try again…to have a baby with you.” He looked at me for a long moment, and for a second I thought he might try to argue it and convince me to wait longer, but then a small smile appeared on his face and he gave the slightest nod.

“Okay,” he murmured, kissing me softly on the lips. “I…I want to too,” he admitted quietly. I smiled back radiantly and he smiled too before meeting my lips in a passionate kiss.

I put my arms around him and pulled him down upon me as I laid down, pressing myself and my lips against him.

Even though part of me was scared about the idea, I also knew that I wanted it more than I wanted anything before.

And besides…trying, was beautiful. Trying was thrilling. Trying, and trying, and trying…until the first rays of the new day peeked over the horizon….

…and with our last shuddering breaths, officially chased away the gray of the night.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 3.12: Losing You

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I think it’s difficult for most people to understand the bond that exists between twins, unless, of course, they are themselves a twin. People mostly view it as a bond any two siblings could have. After all, that’s basically what they are. Siblings…nothing more, nothing less, just having been born on the same exact day.

But it’s that closeness in birth that really makes this bond different. I mean, could you imagine having been with someone since you were literally in the womb? Sure, it’s not like you remember that time at all, but something happens during that time. Something that binds the two of your souls together in a way that no one could really understand. Something that makes you much more than simply siblings.

You just…get them. Even despite the differences the two of you may have, your minds and hearts resonate with one another.

I know it might sound weird…but it’s like…well, it’s like you can feel the other person, living inside your soul, and though you may not always know what’s on their mind or what they’re up to in that moment, you know that they exist, because there they are, inside yourself, and nothing can take that away from you.

Nothing except…

“Tamara?” a gentle whisper came from above me, followed by a soft touch on my back.

“I can’t feel her,” I whispered hoarsely, my eyes fixated on the floor. “It’s like she doesn’t exist.” My voice cracked, and my eyes burned, but no tears fell from them. I didn’t think that I had anymore tears to shed.

“She does though. Right here. You saved her,” Jiang reassured, his voice comforting.

“I killed her.”

“She wouldn’t have survived if you hadn’t acted so quickly. If you hadn’t gotten her out of that tomb and rushed her to the hospital so fast. I mean, it was a good thing that tour bus was there, but still. That was you.”

“I brought her to the tomb in the first place. It’s my fault. It’s my fault she’s gone,” I whimpered.

“She’s not gone, she’s-”

“YES SHE IS!” I suddenly screamed, jumping up from my seat. Against all odds hot tears escaped the corners of my eyes and burned a trail down my cheeks. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! I CAN’T FEEL HER! IT’S LIKE- ITS LIKE SHE’S GONE!” I sobbed, and lost myself to my despair.

This was all my fault, and there was no denying it. Jiang could reassure me of my heroism and bravery all he wanted; he could hold me, attempt to soothe me, and never let go, but the truth was still there. I had forced Catherine to come with me on this ridiculous “adventure” to “cure” her, and now she was lying in the hospital bed, barely alive, and completely comatose. It’d been weeks now and she hadn’t woken up. Weeks.

“She’ll be back,” Jiang said firmly, folding me safely within his arms. I didn’t have the heart to argue, just crying my heart out on his shoulder, my grip on him tight. This was all my fault. Once I had calmed down some, more because of exhaustion rather than actually feeling fine, Jiang spoke again in a hesitant voice. I got the feeling what he was about to say was the reason he had come in the first place. Not that he didn’t visit, he did, it’s just that I didn’t very often want company. “Tamara…will you…will you please come home? Just for a little while? You’re…you’re wasting away here,” he said, his pain clearly evident upon his face.

“I can’t,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I can’t. What if something changes? What if something happens? What if she needs me?”

“Then the hospital would call, or Riley would inform you. He’s here almost as much as you. And besides, your parents already call for updates whenever they’re not here, and if something changed the hospital would tell us right away,” he pointed out, rubbing my arms comfortingly.

“It’s easier just to be here. She needs me…I can’t go. I just can’t.”

“Tamara, you’re not well!” he said, his voice slightly raised and his grip on me tightening. “You barely sleep, you barely eat, you’re wasting away! You can’t stay here!”

“Yes, I can,” I stated stubbornly. “And I will, I can’t just-”

“TAMARA, WHAT ABOUT THE BABY!?” Jiang finally cried out, grabbing me by the shoulders now and thoroughly startling me. “You’re- you’re killing it…and yourself, I can’t- I can’t deal with this,” he rushed out, and then suddenly began crying himself, his grip on my shoulders loosening as he let his hands fall down to my arms. “The baby,” he whispered, his gaze turned downcast as his body shook.

I paled, frozen for a moment by my shock. Jiang rarely ever yelled at me, and never even dared lay a hand on me, and now here I stood, my ears ringing, my heart pounding, and my shoulders aching from where he had grabbed them.

“The baby will be fine,” I managed to say in my daze. “I’m fine. I-”

“No, you’re not fine, Tamara,” Jiang said as he pulled away slightly, wiping his eyes in frustration. “I told you, you’re barely eating or sleeping, you just sit here and stare. It’s not good for you and it’s definitely not good for the baby and I- I don’t want to lose you two.”

“I do too eat and sleep!” I argued. “In fact-”

“In fact, what?” Jiang interrupted in annoyance. “When was the last time you even ate, hmm? When was the last time you ate an actual meal?”

“I-…I-….I mean I eat I…I ate some toast just this morning.”

“One piece of toast, and you didn’t even finish it. Tiang ah, Tamara!” he shouted, taking a hold of my arms again, although not as roughly this time. “How can you be so blind, Tamara? How?” he asked in a low voice, his eyes never leaving mine.

I glanced down at my stomach, still fairly flat, and then could feel my eyes burn once again. He was right, of course. I knew he was right. This wasn’t healthy at all, and yet, I couldn’t help it. “I’ll do better,” I said quickly. “I promise. Just- just don’t make me go home. I need to be here, but I’ll eat more, sleep more, I-”

“God,” Jiang whispered, covering his face with his hands. “The baby…the baby. We’re going to lose it,” he groaned as if he hadn’t heard me at all. I stared up at my husband for a long moment and then could feel my throat tighten. I’d been awful lately, completely awful, and I wasn’t just damaging him, but potentially this baby as well. It was something I hadn’t thought about much, to be honest, but clearly Jiang had, for he already loved it with all of his heart, that much was clear.

Did that mean I didn’t love it, though? Did that mean I didn’t want this baby at all? Sure, the timing was awful, but what about the baby itself? I put my hand on my stomach and suddenly imagined a wriggling little bundle wrapped in baby blue, with bright blue eyes staring up at me. Blue like my grandmother’s, who I’d barely had the opportunity to get to know. I could see Jiang’s face though in the baby’s, and then I was crying all over again. Of course I loved this baby…of course I did.

Mommy’s so sorry.

After Jiang’s confrontation and the realization of what I’d been doing over these past few weeks, I finally went home. Sure, I still spent most of my days at the hospital, but I was sleeping a lot more, and eating a lot more, the latter of which was made much easier by my mom’s excellent cooking. Sleeping, however, was a lot more difficult, as I was often plagued by nightmares or kept up by my thoughts.

This wasn’t unusual for any of my family members at this time though, as often when I wandered down to the kitchen in the middle of the night to get some water or just to kill time, I’d see someone else down there as well.

I had just woken up from a nightmare in which a mummy suffocated Catherine and had walked shakily into the kitchen when I saw my father at the table, sipping from a mug. A glance at the counter told me he was drinking warmed milk with honey, as the honey jar was out and that was the only thing my father had honey with. It was something his mom used to make for him when he was young to soothe him, that much I knew.

“Can’t sleep?” he asked when I came padding in, my hair still damp from the cold sweat I’d broken out into.

“Nightmare,” I muttered as I poured a glass of milk for myself, figuring I’d give it a try. “You?”

“Just can’t sleep, honestly,” he responded quietly before taking a sip of his drink. I nodded in understanding as I heated up my drink. We were silent for the rest of its preparation. I sat down across from him then, taking a sip of my drink, but it was also at that precise moment when the telephone rang. I must have jumped about a mile in my seat, spilling milk all over the table and myself as I let out a gasp.

My dad got up as quickly as he could, his body not quite as nimble as it had once been and grabbed it. Inside my heart was screaming.

“Hello? …this is Mr. Winters. Reed Winters. ….mmhmm. What test results? Oh…oh okay. …what do you mean something odd?”

I froze in my seat, clutching my half emptied mug so tightly I thought it would shatter.

“What? Is that…is that even possible? ….right, right. God. Well, that’s good, right?” My dad was silent for a long moment, frowning. “Right. Well then why is she-”

The conversation seemed to go on forever, during which I cleaned up my mess and tried hard to stay calm. My dad didn’t seem overly upset or alarmed, which told me that the call wasn’t all terrible, but I was still feeling extremely worried.

Of course, even after my dad got off the phone and told me what was up I didn’t feel any less nervous or anxious. None of it made sense, and again I knew it was all my fault. Evidently, Catherine’s doctors had no idea why she was out. In fact, they said, she was perfectly healthy and wasn’t even showing any normal signs of being in a coma besides the fact that she wasn’t waking up.

I asked my dad then what they meant by perfectly healthy and the explanation floored me. They couldn’t find any traces of the cancer. Under ordinary circumstances, this information on its own would have been enough for a giant celebration, but one fact still remained: even though she was “fine,” Catherine would still not wake up.

I tried everything after that to keep myself distracted and to keep time moving forward. The more time I killed, I figured, the closer I would get to the day that Catherine woke up. Of course, the more days that passed by the longer she’d been out too, and that also worried me, but Jiang had been right. I’d been wasting away and I needed to continue my life—otherwise I was going to go insane, not to mention harm the life of another.

And I’d already done enough life harming.

In order to pass the time, I returned to my old job, although since I was pregnant I was recommended against doing anything overly strenuous. That being said, it was nice to play the occasional soccer game, and even nicer to see that I hadn’t lost all my penchant for it. Sure I was rusty, but I could still kick a pretty impressive goal.

At home I spent my time doing miscellaneous things: reading pregnancy books, watching TV, spending time with Jiang, reorganizing the various relics, gems, and nectars I’d collected from my adventures, and watching Chandler, as Riley was almost always at the hospital (he was Catherine’s most frequent visitor besides myself.)

I also went to the doctor to keep tabs on my pregnancy, just to make sure things were going smoothly. I was due in about 4 months, which was actually still a decent amount of time, but it made me feel nervous nonetheless. Jiang kept getting more excited about it though. Perhaps it wasn’t as nerve wracking for him since it’d be his third child, but I was starting to freak out. Was I even the right kind of person to be a good mother?

It was a question that bothered me frequently, so I brought it up on one of those days that I visited Catherine, sitting by her bedside and talking into the emptiness of her room. Even though I knew I wouldn’t hear a response, it was comforting for me just to talk to her.

I even visited a little more often now too since Catherine had been noted to occasionally open her eyes or mutter the chance word or two, but it was all incoherent and still she slept on, seemingly unaware of her surroundings. The doctors said it was a good sign though, and so I kept my hopes high.

I must have stayed for hours this particular day, as the light outside the window went from bright and warm to dim and cool. Catherine had opened her eyes again earlier that day (just a flicker, but still) and I was hoping she would do so while I was there, so that I could see it.

“I wish you’d come back to us,” I whispered, taking her limp, though warm hand in mine. “And I’m sorry, again, for doing this to you. I was so stupid. So sure.” I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to relax. Whenever I thought about the part I’d played in leading Catherine to this condition I always felt miserable. Riley wouldn’t even look at me and, in fact, frequently left the room if I was here. Right now I think he was wandering the hospital corridors, just waiting for me to leave, but I wasn’t ready. Not now. Not yet.

God…I’d give anything to bring her back.

I leaned back in the chair, fighting the heaviness of my eyelids as I stared at Catherine’s unmoving form. My back hurt, probably from sitting too long, and my stomach ached. I considered leaving then, to grab a bite to eat or something, but instead decided to rest for a moment. My eyes closed almost of their own accord as the weight of my weariness weighed down on me. I’d hear if anything concerning happened anyway….

“Catherine? Is that you?” I asked with a gasp, the figure of a young woman with thick, curly blonde hair appeared before my eyes.

“Who else would it be?” the young woman asked as she turned around, smiling at me. I couldn’t help but smile back. There was no denying the fact that Catherine was standing before me.

“Am I dreaming?” I asked then, looking around at the strange landscape around me.

“Something like that. How are you, Tamara?” she asked, eying me curiously. She looked anxious, as if she were waiting for something to happen.

“I should be the one asking you that!” I exclaimed. “Where have you been? I miss you. …why won’t you wake up?” I asked sadly, wringing my hands.

“She says I’m not ready yet—but I will be. Sooner than you think actually.”

“Who says?”

“It’s…hard to explain. She’s been helping me though. I feel so much better, but I’d been near death. It takes time to recover, you know.”

“Oh. That tree is weird…all of this is weird. Where are we?”

“Wherever you want us to be.”

“I want you to be awake, and home,” I murmured sadly, looking down at Catherine’s bare feet. “I miss you.” My back was hurting, and my stomach felt strange. I had thought that you couldn’t feel pain in a dream.

“I miss you too. I’ll be back soon though, like I said…I promise I will. She said so. You just have to be patient.” She glanced at me again and then bit her lip.”It’s not your fault, by the way. I was dying. You did actually save me.”

“B-”

“Shhh. We don’t have much time left,” Catherine interrupted, her gaze on me fierce. “You’re going to have to be strong in the weeks to come, okay?”

“Why? What’s going to happen to you?” I asked, my heart jumping with sudden fear. I winced as my back gave a painful stab, the pain spreading throughout my abdomen. I ignored it after that point with a grit of my teeth.

“I’m afraid…nothing comes easily, Tamara,” she whispered miserably. “God, it isn’t fair. Don’t do this!”

“What is it? What’s wrong?” I asked, my panic growing with my pain. “Don’t do what?”

“Oh, Tamara,” she whispered again, walking toward me. She grasped my hands in hers and then held them up. The sight of them made me gasp in horror.

“What happened!? Your hands!” I choked, gazing at the blood that shone wetly upon them.

“It’s not mine,” Catherine answered, her eyes shining with tears. “It’s yours.”

“What?”

“Tamara…you’re bleeding.”

I looked down and cried out at the sight of blood everywhere, covering my hands, pooling at my feet. I felt so faint, but sharp stabs of pain kept me awake and screaming. “It hurts!” I sobbed, doubling over. “What’s happening? I don’t understand!”

“Be strong, Tamara…I’m sorry,” Catherine’s voice said before beginning to fade. In fact, everything began to fade. The scene turned translucent before my eyes.

“Don’t leave me!” I screamed. My voice became louder and the pain became greater. Soon all I was doing was crying, doubled over and desperately trying to take deep breaths in a futile attempt to calm myself.

The room came into focus and I clutched at my abdomen, biting back another cry as another contraction took over my being. No, not yet, not now, it was too early. Way too early.

“Help!” I cried out. “HELP!”

Several nurses rushed in almost at once, having probably already heard me screaming in my living nightmare.

“Get a wheelchair, quickly!” one of them shouted to another, who disappeared immediately.

“Take deep breaths, ma’am, deep breaths.”

“It’s too early,” I cried out, then gritting my teeth against another stab of pain.

“I know. Just try to relax. It’ll be okay,” she murmured as I was soon helped into a wheelchair. They wheeled me away hastily, and just as we were passing the doorway, I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. Although I only saw it for a second before another jolt of pain took over my being, I knew what I had seen.

It was the unmistakable sight of Catherine waking up…and the message in her eyes was clear: I’m so sorry.

I let out another scream into the chaos of the night.

Chapter 3.11: Wish I Could [Save You]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Perhaps it was due to the reason I was there, but France had never looked quite so beautiful. The sun shone palely on the sparkling, smooth surface of the river that hugged the western curve of the village of Champs Les Sims and the soft hues of the landscape complimented each other so perfectly that for a moment I wondered whether or not I had just stepped into a painting. How was it even possible for such beauty to exist?

It was here too where I would find the cure for Catherine. I was sure of it. In such a breathtakingly beautiful place, how could miracles not exist?

As soon as I arrived at the base camp and dropped off my things I left, my heart pounding as I headed toward the nectary—the place where I knew my answers would be had. It was a place I hadn’t explored much, having tried to avoid it as much as possible after my less than pleasant experience there, but the thing was, there was so much to explore there…..

After all, the nectary had been around for hundreds of years, thousands, in fact, although that far back it looked nothing whatsoever as it did today. If there was any place in France that would carry what I needed, this was it. The bigger question was, how would I get to it? Would anyone know about it? Surely a nectar that could cure anything would have been big news by now?

I racked my brain as I walked up to the nectary, gravel crunching beneath my shoes, and the most obvious answer was the first to come to my mind. There should be a tomb here….catacombs…an underground vault….something….And that was where I’d find my prize. I was sure of it.

I wasn’t sure if I’d found a tomb per se, but I did find an underground cellar. Unfortunately, there wasn’t really anything down there except some old bottles of wine and some locked doors. Although on that note, nothing drove me crazier than locked doors.

No matter how hard I searched though, I found no keys that would allow me further entrance into the tomb, so I just had to return to the surface, anxiety now beginning to creep into my being as the full extent of what I’d done hit me like a speeding train.

I was about a month pregnant, newly married, my husband was still dealing with issues from his divorce, and my sister was….well, she was really sick, and here I was gallivanting in France, having left only a short note as an explanation. And what was I looking for anyway?

The realization that I wasn’t even sure settled unpleasantly in the pit of my stomach, leaving me feeling sick. For a moment, I even thought I would actually be sick, but a few deep breaths solved that. I just needed to think. There had to have been some reason my gut led me here! There’s something here…something here that can help….or perhaps….someone?

I rushed back upstairs to speak with the owner of the store, but stopped dead in my tracks when I noticed just who it was. Sure I had remembered that it was here that I’d met André and sure I remember him running the register, but somehow, after all this time…well, I just kind of figured he wouldn’t be here anymore. But alas, there he was, just as much of a scum bag as he always was, just waiting smugly until someone bought one of his overpriced products.

Still, I needed information, so, biting back the sick feeling in my stomach, I approached him.

“Hello! So…so it’s been awhile,” I said as I walked up, trying to make casual conversation. As soon as I saw the look on André’s face though, I wish I had tried to pretend I was someone he didn’t know. Or better yet, not approached him at all.

“I never knew you, leave me alone!” he cried in a panic, jerking his head hastily from left to right, as if expecting his wife to instantaneously materialize behind him.

“I’m not here for that,” I responded in annoyance, narrowing my eyes at the idiot before me. “I’m happily married now, thanks. Something that actually means something to me.” André stared back at me coolly, his face a bitter mask. Part of me was thrilled that I’d clearly said something that had gotten to him, but the other part of me regretted my words. After all, I needed his help right now. The last thing I needed to be doing was insulting the guy.

“Look, I’m sorry,” I hastily said. “I didn’t come here for any of that. I honestly just had a couple questions. About…about nectar.”

“About nectar?” he asked skeptically, raising his eyebrows at me.

“Well, yeah. Um…well, for instance…” I paused, trying to think of the best way to word this without sounding like a crazy person. “Err…have you ever heard of a fruit that…that’s like…hot? I mean like warm to the touch and kind of….glowy?”

“You mean flame fruit?” he asked, his eyebrows still raised. “What about zem?”

“Oh! So you’ve heard of them?” I asked excitedly, my heart suddenly pounding faster.

“Yes. Zey are a fruit…found in Egypt.”

“Egypt?”

“Yes…..zey contain a leetle bit of capsicum, which makes zem warm to ze touch. Any drink wiz zem in it is spicy…like…like a spiced cider though, not like a pepper. Zey are much sweeter than zat.”

“And the glowing?”

“It is a reaction between ze chemicals in ze fruit. Totally ‘armless though.”

“Please, could you tell me…do…do they have any…any, er, healingproperties, these flame fruits? Like when you make them into nectars?”

André laughed a bit. A dry, almost-mocking laugh. “Well, I suppose you could zay zat all nectars ‘ave healing properties, no? Just drink a few glasses after a rough day and suddenly you will feel so much better.”

“Oh…haha,” I said, forcing a small laugh. I licked my lips nervously and then cleared my throat, trying to formulate my next question the best that I could. “So…so you’ve never heard of any nectar that’s a bit…odd, then? Maybe even a bit…” Please don’t mock me. “magical?”

“Magic, ah? No. I do not know of any nectar like zat. Of course, zere are ze stories about the nectar of the gods, no? Ze nectar that grants the gods zeir immortality, but zey are just a part of Greek mythology. Nothing ‘as ever been found like zat…I would know. My family ‘as been working in this business for many generations.”

“I see,” I whispered, more than a little crestfallen. “Thanks for your time.”

I wandered off before André could say anything else to me, feeling like the dumbest person that had ever walked the planet. How could I have thought there would be some magical plant, or drink that could heal Catherine? How could I have been so taken over by something I had read in an old children’s book? The extent of my stupidity made me want to cry, but instead I settled for grabbing some nectar.

I knew I wasn’t technically supposed to have any, but I figured just one glass couldn’t hurt.

Lo and behold, I actually did find a bottle in the sample shelf that was made out of those accursed flame fruits, so I decided to try that. I poured a tray of them, since there were a lot of people in the nectary, but I only planned to drink one. I kept reminding myself of that as I poured, until I became faintly aware of a presence behind me.

“Hmph,” an elderly man behind me said. “Zat eez a winter wine. Not fit for such warm weather,” he sniffed. “You should try something far more mild.”

“I just want to try this one,” I muttered, and then hurried off with a glass before the elderly gentleman could say anything else.

The drink was kind of warm, just as the old man had said, and a sweet spicy, like a spicy apple cider, just like André had said. And also just like he said, it really didn’t do anything out of the ordinary to me. It warmed me up a little bit and made me feel a touch more “floaty,” but that was about it. No different than any other drink that had alcohol in it.

Goddammit.

In order to prevent myself from grabbing another glass, I decided to go exploring downstairs again, but this time my way was blocked by the same gentleman who had looked down upon me earlier. Fantastic.

“So you are interested in magic, hmm?” the old man asked as he came right up to me, not even batting an eye. “I could not ‘elp but overhear.”

Of course you couldn’t, I thought bitterly to myself.

“Kind of,” I responded, trying to remain polite. “I’d just…read something about…about a magic drink that…that could….heal….” I clarified, my voice trailing off with every word. My cheeks burned. It all sounded so stupid now. So damn stupid.

“Well, I ‘aven’t really ‘eard of zat, but surely you ‘ave ‘eard rumors about a certain secret place in Egypt, no? A certain…healing place?” he asked, giving me a pointed look.

“…w-….what place is this?” I asked cautiously, forcing myself not to get overly excited.

“Alas, I do not know,” the old man sighed with a shrug of his shoulders. “I ‘ave only ‘eard rumors. Rumors of a secret tomb where a very powerful goddess lives. A goddess who blesses all those worthy with strength. I ‘ave mostly read about it in the old stories, but occasionally you hear whispers.”

“But if there’s such a place, wouldn’t there be a lot more than whispers about it?”

“Ahhh, chérie, not necessarily,” the man responded with fervor. “Sometimes, when zings ‘appen zat do not make sense, or are not logical, people keep it to zemselves, for fear of being looked at as crazy. I mean, look at ze look on your face now. You are ze one asking about magic, and here I tell you what I know, and you too look at me as if I ‘ad lost my senses. People do not take kindly to zat which zey do not understand. ‘istory is full of proof for zis.”

“I suppose….but-”

“I am soree, chérie, but I must go now. I ‘ave told you all zat I know. Good luck in your travels, young one. I ‘ope you find what you are looking for.”

And before I could say anything else, the man was turning away and hurrying off, leaving me more confused than ever. But there was one thing for sure that I knew I needed to do…and that was look further into this story.

So I went to the only place I could really even think of going—the library. This one was massive, with rows after rows after rows of books. You would have had to live many multiple lifetimes in order to read all of the stories in this collection.

So many books…surely I would find an answer?

I really don’t know how many hours I spent just pouring over books on Ancient Egypt, but try as I might I saw no mentions of healing. I read stories of Osiris and Isis, of King Tutankhamen, Nefertiti and Marc Antony and Cleopatra and the Great Pyramids of Giza and mummification and even some mumblings about curses, but nothing of healing. Plagues, curses, and monuments, yes; places of healing, no.

It didn’t take me much longer to realize that I needed help, so I went up to the librarian to ask him instead. Surely he might know a little bit more than the old gentleman I met at the nectary?

“You uh…wouldn’t happen to know what book I should read to find out about er…well…okay. I mean- well…you haven’t heard of say, like, a…a…place or fountain or food or I don’t know, somethingof healing, have you? In Egypt? I’ve…I’ve heard stories about this place…and I’m doing a research paper on it,” I lied stupidly. “Only I don’t know the name of the place.”

The librarian looked at me for such a long moment that for a second I feared that he hadn’t understood a word I had said. Amidst all the chaos of my mission I’d almost forgotten I was in a different country. I opened my mouth to apologize, but the man spoke before I could.

“I suppose you must be talking about Ze Great Sphinx,” he supplied. “Does zat sound familiar?”

At first I wasn’t really sure what to make of that information, seeing as I literally had no idea what I was looking for, but just as I was thinking that, another thought came into my mind, or more specifically, a memory, and suddenly a genuine smile was pulling at my lips—the first I had made since my wedding.

“And you’re sure you weren’t cursed?”

“Cursed?”

“Yes, silly girl! Cursed! Mummies can do that you know. Do you feel alright? Not clammy or sick or anything, right? If so, you have to go to Egypt. To the Sphinx. As quickly as you can possibly make it….”

THE SPHINX!

I hurriedly thanked the librarian and then grabbed some more books, and sure enough, once I focused in on some of the older books on the Sphinx, there were mumblings and hints at some supernatural force. Sure they were interwoven between mythological stories of gods and goddesses, but somehow, I had a good feeling about this one.

THIS was it! It just had to be!!

Shutting the last book with a slam, I hastily put it away and then grabbed up my phone, my heart pounding. I ignored the 50 some-odd missed calls and texts and quickly dialed the number of the person I intended to save.

“Catherine!” I cried as soon as she answered. “Catherine, I need you to meet me at the lake tomorrow night, okay? Real late…like midnight. You need to meet me there!”

“Tamara, what are you talking about?” Catherine asked wearily. Her voice sounded weaker, much more quiet and hoarser than last time. “God, we’ve been worried sick…are you insane? Where are you? You’re pregnant for gods sake!”

“I know that,” I said impatiently. “Look, I have some news for you. Helpful news! You just have to meet me. I’m coming home, okay? I’m fine. You just have to meet me,” I repeated firmly.

Catherine was silent for a long moment, and for a second there I thought she might have hung up, but finally she responded in a low, tired voice. “Fine. The lake at midnight tomorrow, Tamara. And you have to tell me everything. I just can’t believe you’d leave like this. At…at a time like this….” her voice trailed off.

“I know,” I said quickly again. “But it’s for you, I promise. Look, I have to go, but I’ll see you then. At midnight, alright?”

“Okay….”

“Bye!”

“Bye.”

I was on the first train out to the airport after that call, hastily packing up my sparse belongings and heading back home. I had already booked two flights to Egypt while on the train. Red-eyes that would depart in the middle of the night. This was it. This was the thing that was going to save her. I just knew it.

“You’re so fucking stupid!” was the first thing out of my sister’s mouth as soon as she saw me walk up to her. I opened my mouth to speak, but she started crying and then looked as if she were about to fall over, so I quickly steadied her. She felt so much lighter than the last time I’d seen her. So much…weaker. How had she deteriorated so fast?

I pushed the thought of my mind as I slowly let go of my sister, but not before I knew she was steady on her feet. “I know,” was all I could say at first. “I’m really fucking stupid, but this is important, I swear. This is going to change everything!”

“Yeah…it sure is going to change if I end up murdering you for driving me insane,” Catherine muttered, her eyes wet and the bitterness evident in her voice despite its volume.

I ignored the comment and pushed forward. We didn’t have much time.

“Catherine, you have to come with me,” I stated firmly, leaving no time for explanations and pleasantries.

“Where?” she asked, giving me a look as if I’d suddenly sprouted another arm.

“Egypt! To the Great Sphinx, specifically,” I gushed. “I’ve been reading about it. It has healingproperties, Catherine. I heard all about in China, and in France, and the books say it too. Look, I’m sure of this. This will heal you, Catherine! I just know it!”

“Tamara….” Catherine whispered sadly. The look she gave me then was one that I didn’t even recognize because I hadn’t seen it before on her face, but it registered quickly enough. It was pity. “I’m too ill to go anywhere, let alone Egypt. Are you crazy?”

“I know, but this is important,” I pressed. “It’s going to heal you, I’m sure of it! It’s…it’s magic, Catherine. I just know it…”

“There’s no such thing as magic!” she shouted, looking as if she were using every ounce of strength in her to try to convince me. “I’m not going anywhere with you!”

“Oh yes you will. I’ll tie you up and carry you there if I have to, but you are GOING to this place. I don’t think you understand,” I snapped. “It’s going to HEAL you!”

“NOTHING CAN HEAL ME!” Catherine shrieked, tears streaming down her face now. “I’M DYING! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? I’M DYING, TAMARA!” She lost herself to her tears, and it was then that I realized that my own cheeks were wet with tears as well. For a long moment, neither of us could speak. Catherine’s words seemed to echo on the wind and swirl all around me, making me sick to my stomach and barely able to breathe.

“I know that, too,” I finally whispered, my throat so tight it was a real wonder that I could even speak. “That’s why I want to try this. Please. Just do this, for me. For Riley. For Mom and Dad. ….for Chandler. Please…this…this one last trip,” I forced out in a whisper. My eyes met hers and we stared at each other for a long moment, both our eyes shining with fresh tears.

And it was in that moment that I think we both understood each other more than we ever had before.

This was the end.

There were no other options.

“Okay,” she finally whispered, making no effort to wipe away her tears anymore. “Okay.”

This was the trip that would be fueled on desperation.

When we arrived in Egypt we didn’t do any sight-seeing. Hell, we had barely even settled down in the base camp before I urged Catherine to follow me. I didn’t even take a single moment to revel in the fact that I was back in this wonderful place—the place that had once healed me when all I’d been able to see was the gray expanse ahead of me. Now I hoped that it would do the same for Catherine, but in an entirely different way.

Now I needed it to perform a miracle.

From the start of the trip Catherine wasn’t doing well. It hadn’t even dawned on me just how physically demanding my so-called “adventures” could be until halfway just in making the journey to The Sphinx she started to get dizzy and out of breath. We sat for a moment and she drank some water, but I urged her onward once again. I just felt at that moment that nothing else was more important.

Catherine must have picked up on that too, because she didn’t say a word as we resumed our journey. It wasn’t even until we had reached the massive monument that I even paused for a moment, staring up at the incredible structure before me. Even Catherine went quiet, previously having been breathing hard and stumbling. She stared upward and then glanced at me, and I knew we were thinking the same thing. There was something different about this place.

Encouraged by this thought, I immediately continued our foray into its depths, my heart beating erratically. This was it, I just knew it. It had to be.

The first thing we encountered was a series of traps and puzzles. For the first time, they genuinely stressed me out. I was wary of Catherine getting caught in a trap, making sure I always went before her, my mind working at a million miles per second to anticipate the dangers of the tomb. I could not, however, completely stop her from doing anything, as she seemed particularly embarrassed about struggling just to get here and wanted to make up for it. I tried to tell her it was fine, but she ignored me, determined to help me figure out the puzzles of the tomb.

This did nothing to help my anxiety.

The way was longer than I’d hoped, and much more dangerous than I’d originally anticipated. It was taxing on Catherine, to say the least, and I almost gave up and rushed her right then and there to the hospital, but then I came across a promising placard. The words were kind of faded and there were symbols on it that I didn’t recognize, but the message was still clear enough. The path to peace and healing was violet lit.

I looked over at Catherine to exchange an excited look, but she barely paid attention, a look of pain and exhaustion upon her face, her pale skin covered in sweat. Her hands were even trembling.

“We’re almost there,” I whispered encouragingly to her, my hand on her back to steady her. She gave a brief nod, but gave no more indication that she’d heard me. It looked like it was taking her every effort just to stay standing, but I had to keep going. We had to keep going.

We had walked for a long time before the hallway we were in opened up into an expansive room with massive statues of sphinxes lining it, but they weren’t what really caught my attention. What really caught my attention was the pulsating turquoise light ahead…that and the massive statue of Anubis carrying a cauldron of fire. Fire symbolized vitality.

I took Catherine’s hand and gave it a tight squeeze, looking over at her. “I think that’s it. It just…feels different,” I murmured, afraid to speak any louder in what was clearly such a sacred place. Catherine didn’t respond, but instead stepped forward, as if in a trance. Her gaze was locked on the statue before us, her bright green eyes glimmering with the light of the fire and the aquamarine atmosphere.

“Catherine?” I asked questioningly, raising an eyebrow at her.

She continued to walk though, right up to the cauldron of fire and light, both of which continuously poured forth from its depths, enveloping her in their embrace. She continued to stare ahead as if some other force was urging her on.

…and then she got a sad look on her face.

“Cath-?” I started to say, but the words froze on my tongue as the light bathing the room suddenly expanded and brightened to such an extend that my eyes watered and my skin felt uncomfortably warm.

I was sure my heart stopped though when I noticed that the light was all centered around one point—my twin sister.

I watched as the light bolted out of both the cauldron and the base of the statue, casting high arching beams that reached toward the ceiling of the room. Catherine let out a gasp, and then suddenly the light brightened to such an intensity that I cried out, blinded by its brilliance.

“Catherine!” I shouted in alarm, suddenly unable to see her. I cried out then as I heard a sound like the rushing of a train passed my ears, covering them hastily and cringing as fire licked at my exposed skin. Had the room exploded?

“CATHERINE!” I shrieked again and then, without thinking, plunged right into radiant warmth. The shock of the feeling knocked the air out of my lungs, but just as soon as I thought I’d suffocate, the light dimmed, the warmth dissipated, and my eyesight slowly returned to normal, great splotches of black and purple dots dancing before my vision.

I blinked my eyes hard and stared ahead only to see Catherine collapsed on the floor, unmoving. My heart jumped up in my throat and I let out another cry as I rushed toward her, immediately falling to my knees beside her. Oh god, what had I done?

I scooped Catherine up in my arms gently, tears already falling down my face before I even knew if she was okay.

“Catherine?” I whispered through my tears, holding her closely. “Catherine, can you hear me?”

There was no response. No movement. Her body was as limp as a sack of flour.

Or a dead body.

No, no, oh god no….

“CATHERINE!” I finally screamed in my hysteria, shaking her desperately. “Catherine, please speak to me! You can’t leave me, you can’t!”

But all thoughts of trying to get her to say something to me were quickly abandoned when I discovered one fact so terrifying that I could literally feel the cold vice of unadulterated fear threatening to crush my entire being.

Catherine was not breathing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 3.10: Spinning Out of Control

Another one so soon, really!? Yup! But don’t get used to it, haha. Hope you enjoy and as always please feel free to comment! I love getting feedback on how the generation is going =O Thanks for reading! ^_^

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Where is she?” I asked as soon as I flew through the door of my house, the door slamming into the opposite wall. “Where’s Catherine?”

“Tamara, relax. You ca-”

“I ASKED WHERE SHE WAS!” I shrieked, spinning around to yell at whoever dared to tell me to “relax” at a time like this and literally pulling at my hair in my frustration. I found myself face to face with my father, who looked pale and drawn, his forehead creased with worry and his hands up to calm me. My mom soon came up behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder as she too met my gaze.

“She’s upstairs,” Mom said quietly. “Just laid down for a nap. Chandler is quite the handful,” she added, a ghost of a smile on her face.

My eyes welled up with tears and my breathing suddenly became ragged. Despite the neutrality of her words I was slowly being reduced to a frantic, sobbing mess. In fact, I even felt like I was losing touch with reality until a gentle hand took hold of mine, comforting and soft. I glanced over only to see Jiang, who merely responded with a squeeze to my hand. Jiang…my anchor in this turbulent sea of despair. I’d never be able to properly express my gratitude to him for coming with me.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” I finally managed to whisper, holding onto Jiang’s hand desperately. I felt that if I let go I would be swept away. My parents exchanged brief, curious looks, probably about the strange man holding onto me, but they held their tongues. Now was not the moment for casual conversation about my personal life.

“Here, why don’t you sit down?” my mom suggested, moving forward to guide me to the sofa.

“No,” I said, surprisingly calm now. “I don’t want to sit down. I want to know what the hell’s happened to my sister!” Okay. So perhaps not entirely calm. Mom and Dad exchanged looks again and suddenly I felt guilty for snapping. This wasn’t their fault. This was just as hard on them as it was on me, if not more so. They hadn’t been gone up until now. They hadn’t been blissfully oblivious, like me up until now.

“Sorry,” I quickly said, my throat tightening now. “I just…I just want to…to know.” My eyes burned with tears again. I focused on the hand holding mine. If I just focused on that hand, I would be okay.

“Catherine had been suffering from headaches lately,” Mom continued after another brief glance at Dad, who seemed unable to speak. “We didn’t think much of it at first, because it was just a headache…and let’s face it, having a toddler around can cause more than the occasional headache.” She gave a half smile which I didn’t share and then continued, averting her gaze.

“But they started getting worse. She’d have to lie down for a long time…and sometimes she’d even get woken up by a headache and end up getting sick in the bathroom. That’s when she decided to see a doctor. We thought it might have been migraines she was getting because of stress. But…but,” my mom cleared her throat, but seemed unable to continue. Her eyes grew watery. Even though she might have been putting on a show of appearing calm and strong, I could tell she was falling apart as well.

“They found a tumor in her brain,” my father supplied in a voice that didn’t quite sound like his own, hoarse and quiet. “They said…they said it’s malignant.”

My dad said something else then, but the only reason I knew that was because I could see his lips moving as I finally broke down into such heavy sobs that I even startled myself. I was hysterical from that point on. I just remember crying and screaming and crying some more as I fell to the ground in an inconsolable heap. I also remember Jiang falling to his knees beside me, trying to console me as my parents tried to comfort me, but that was all.

I barely knew what happened afterward.

And to be honest, I really didn’t care.

I woke up later curled under the covers of my bed, the lights off and the feel of a warm body next to mine. I shifted slightly to gaze at Jiang sleeping, his face peaceful, and for a moment I just laid there…not caring about the time, or how I’d gotten here…just listening to the soft, soothing sounds of Jiang’s breathing.

The house was quiet. It must have been late.

Attempting to make as little noise as possible, I slipped out of bed, my bare feet sinking into the carpeting. It was then that I realized I was in my pajamas. I hadn’t even remembered changing. Pushing this thought from my mind, I walked determinedly toward my sister’s bedroom. I just had to see her. To talk to her.

I knew Riley would be there, but I didn’t care.

Just as I was thinking this though, I noticed him out of the corner of my eye, soothing a small toddler in his arms. I paused, staring through the ajar nursery door, completely unable to speak. Chandler had grown so quickly. Why had I stayed away for so long?

As if sensing my presence, Riley glanced up and gave me the tiniest of smiles before nodding toward the door to their bedroom. He knew exactly why I was up. I responded with a small nod in return and then took a deep breath, turning and disappearing into their room. As soon as I saw Catherine lying in the bed curled up in a ball, tears sprung to my eyes again. It was the exact position I’d been found sleeping in just moments ago and it only served to remind me just how much I loved her. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and padded over to the bed, slipping underneath its covers and turning toward my twin.

“Catherine,” I whispered, the sound overly loud in the silence of the night. At first she didn’t stir, but as soon as I moved my hand to nudge her, her eyes opened. For a moment we just looked at each other, my eyes moist and her eyes shining…and then we both began to cry.

“I’m so sorry,” Catherine whispered shakily, clutching at the covers around her.

“What are you sorry for?” I asked. “This isn’t your fault.”

“I know. I just mean…for making you come back. I…I almost didn’t want to tell you. I knew you were having such an amazing time in China and everything was going so well for you and I just…I didn’t want to bother you,” she finished, sitting up.

I sat up as well, feeling suddenly annoyed. “Bother me? God Catherine, this isn’t a ‘bother.’ You should have told me the minute you even suspected something was up!” I hissed.

“I know, but…I mean…it’ll all be okay. I know it sounds really bad, but they caught it fairly early. I’ll go in for surgery soon to remove the tumor…maybe some radiation too or at least strong meds, depending, but…but it’s not that serious, considering.”

“It’s brain cancer! How could it not be serious!?” I asked hysterically. Had she gone completely INSANE? Catherine’s vividly green eyes filled with fresh tears as she met my gaze, her face pale. I wasn’t sure if she was pale because of my reaction, or because she felt ill. I forced myself to calm down and shakily reached out to touch a lock of her long, soft curly hair. That’s when I broke down into tears once again. Soon all of that hair would be gone. I couldn’t believe—no, no, no, noooo. Catherine must have noticed that I was falling apart though, because she took me into her arms, holding me close. I felt like I could barely breathe.

“You just have to have faith,” Catherine whispered, smoothing back my hair. “Please. For me.” I took a shuddering, painful breath and wiped my eyes, not feeling any better but suddenly feeling guilty that she was the one comforting me. Some sister I was. I opened my mouth to apologize, but closed it when Catherine suddenly spoke again. “Wait, is that a ring?” she asked, clearly trying to change the subject as she grabbed up my hand to get a closer look.

At first I found myself unable to even answer her simple question. The joy I had previously felt about getting married had turned to ash with the simple ring of a phone. It felt stupid to announce it now. Inappropriate. Evidently my silence said it all though, because suddenly Catherine was beaming.

“Tamara!” she cried, lifting her hand from my hair and looking as happy as I’d ever seen her. I didn’t understand. Couldn’t. I blinked, my eyes trailing to the ring on my finger, and then the huge smile on her face again. I raised my gaze to her eyes, which always gave away her inner thoughts. Instead of fear though, which is what I was expecting to see, I saw only a desperate plea. Please, Tamara. Just drop it.

And I tried to. I really did. I forced a smile, took a shuddering breath and began to stammer out a response. “Yeah. Jiang and I, we…we got married…just…just the other,” and then my throat tightened, and my stomach lurched, and suddenly I had the worst taste ever in my mouth…and then I was flying off the bed and running, running, running….

…all the way to the bathroom, where I heaved up my last meager meal (3 crackers and some water Jiang had forced me to consume on the plane) and felt like I would never be able to get up again.

I couldn’t- I didn’t-

I lost myself to my tears once more.

I’m not sure how long I was like that—constantly getting sick, crying, or just wandering around the house like a zombie. It got worse as the days grew closer to Catherine’s surgery, until finally the day arrived and I was torn between being a nervous wreck and catatonic. I’d woken up at 4 AM feeling nauseous and making multiple trips to the bathroom, until I was completely convinced that I’d die from dehydration…or at least be unable to accompany my family to the hospital. In fact, they even tried to get me to stay home, but one look from me and they hastily abandoned that argument.

It was the longest day of my life by far, but by the time evening rolled around, Catherine was in the recovery room, still knocked out, but very much alive and stable. Unsurprisingly, I didn’t leave that hospital the entire time Catherine was there. I refused to. Even when I wasn’t feeling well, I stuck it out. My argument to my family was that if I was feeling sick, there was no better place to be in but in a hospital. They stopped trying to convince me. Jiang stayed with me most of the time, but he often had to leave to attend to things overseas, or simply just get some more clean clothes for me, or actually sleep in a comfortable bed.

I had to admit, on those days when I felt horribly sick, a bed did sound nice, but I just couldn’t bring myself to leave Catherine’s side, no matter how much she insisted that she “felt fine.”

The only time when I actually left her room was to go have some tests done. Catherine’s doctor wanted to check all of us for any signs of the same, considering we were all obviously closely related. It was an intelligent, safe thing to do of course, but I felt anxious the whole time I was away.

To say it was a relief when Catherine was finally released to return home was an understatement, even though it’d been less than a week that she was actually in the hospital. To celebrate, Riley took her out for a laid back picnic at the park. They didn’t come back until late, which stressed me out to no end, but as soon as I saw my sister, here, finally, I really didn’t care anymore.

As long as Catherine was okay, I was happy.

But that calm and relief was interrupted after just a couple of weeks when Catherine’s doctor, Dr. Slate, called with news. It was during a party to celebrate Laura and Andrew having found their own place—a studio where Laura could work on her paintings and Andrew, his sculptures. At first, they were going to delay their plans and stick around, but as soon as Catherine found out she had a stern talking with both of them, and now they’d be moving out within the week. So, of course, we had to do something to say our goodbyes, even though they’d be visiting often.

And actually the party had been a pretty good success with everyone in attendance. Daniel announced that his wife, Georgia, was pregnant and I actually felt more lighthearted than I had in days, but then there was the phone call. Again.

At first, everyone was afraid that a problem had been found with one of our samples, my heart jumping with fear for Daniel, Andrew, Laura, and Lynn, but no, the news was actually about Catherine.

“She’s what?” my dad asked, his face paling as he spoke into the phone. My heart dropped about 30 feet in my chest. “I see. …is there…err…is there anything that we can do?” My dad was quiet for several long moments, just making occasional ‘mmmhmm’ noises. “Okay…thank you. …yes, we’ll be in tomorrow. …I know. Okay. Thank you. Good- …hmm?” My dad got a funny look on his face and glanced over at me, causing a cold sweat to break across my skin.

“Oh? No, no she…she doesn’t know. T-…thanks.” I watched as a slight smile appeared on my dad’s face, but it quickly disappeared as it seemed another thought just as quickly took his focus. “Yes. Yes, I will. Okay. Goodbye.”

It seemed like it took forever for my dad to hang up the phone, but maybe it was because everything seemed to be going in slow motion at this point. “What did they say?” I asked anxiously, hands ringing. My family stood around me, equally as anxious, but there was probably no one else who looked as nervous as Catherine and Riley, who were sitting on the couch stiffly.

“Well?” Riley asked, looking as if he regretted letting my dad take the call.

“They said…they said that…” his voice trailed off for a moment and then his face twisted with fury and pain as he finally shouted, “DAMN IT!” and smacked the television with such intensity that I was sure the fragile bones of his hand must have shattered. “FUCK!” he cursed viciously, shocking all of us except perhaps my mom, who already had tears streaming down her face.

“It’s not completely gone, is it?” Catherine asked quietly, the knuckles on her hands white as she clutched Riley’s hand in hers.

“No,” my dad whispered hoarsely, shaking his head. “They said…they said it looks like it might be spreading. That that wasn’t the only tumor. They…they need to take more images.”

No, no…no god no this wasn’t happening no god, no, no, no.

This was a nightmare. It just had to be. Tears fell down Catherine’s face as Riley took her into his arms, pale and shaking, Dad looked shattered, Mom looked like she was about to collapse, and the rest of us just cried. There was nothing for anyone to do but cry.

“There was one other thing,” my dad finally whispered, although just toward me. It looked as if it were taking him great effort to speak.

“I don’t want to hear anything else!” I shrieked, feeling my grip on reality once again begin to loosen. “I can’t stand it! I can’t! I can’t!”

“Tamara,” murmured Jiang, reaching out to touch my arm.

“Tamara,” Dad said almost simultaneously, but much more firmly. I forced my own attention back to him, my eyes asking why. Why was he torturing us further? Wasn’t this enough?

“Your test results…they came out fine, the doctor said. It’s just…well. He said…you’re…he said you’re pregnant.”

No.

The floor reached up to smack me over the head.

Behind you! Don’t you hear it?! It’s coming up behind you!

The sound of slow shuffling—old cloth dragging across ancient sandstone. Ragged, putrid breaths of the long dead. The hiss of the torchlight as its strength falters….

Turn around! What’s wrong with you? TURN AROUND!

“AHHHHHHHHhHHHHH!!!”

Told you. We told you. You have to listen. Are you okay? Sleep. It’ll heal you…make you feel better. At least it didn’t curse you…could be worse. At least. At least.

“And you’re sure you weren’t cursed?”

“Cursed?”

“Yes, silly girl! Cursed! Mummies can do that you know. Do you feel alright? Not clammy or sick or anything, right? If so you’ll have to go…to the sphinx…yes…”

There’s things…things you don’t understand, Tamara. Don’t you see? You have to listen….

Listen to what?

Listen….

“BLAAAAAARRRRRHH!!”

I lay on the bathroom floor after puking my guts out for the umpteenth time, my skin cold and clammy, my body shivering. In addition to the nightmarish news that I had recently heard, now it seemed like I was having my own nightmares at night too. ….would it ever end?

You have to listen.

To what? God, I didn’t understand! I didn’t understand at all! My twin was dying and my parents were falling apart and my brother-in-law was inconsolable and Chandler was going to lose his mom and I was going to be a mom and god no, no, not right now, not right now. Please no, not right now!

If I had any moisture left in my body, I was sure I’d be crying right now.

Was any of this even supposed to make sense?

I groaned, getting off the bathroom tile and peeling off my pajamas. There was no way I’d get back to sleep now. I lumbered into the shower, turning the water up hot and reveling in the feel of it against my aching back. I breathed in steam and closed my eyes, willing myself to wash the dream away, but it just kept repeating itself, as if in slow motion. It wasn’t the first time I’d had this nightmare this week.

There’s things…things you don’t understand.

“Well obviously,” I muttered bitterly to myself as I scrubbed my hair with lilac-scented shampoo. The hot water and strong fragrances overwhelmed my senses. My muscles slowly began to relax.

I had no idea how long I’d been standing under the water, only getting jarred out of my thoughts when I heard the door to the bathroom open. I closed my eyes, waiting.

“You disappeared,” Jiang whispered into my ear, pulling the shower door shut behind him. His arms wrapped around my waist. “That dream again?”

“Just…everything,” I whispered, turning around to face him. My eyes stung, but it wasn’t from getting shampoo in them. I really was falling apart. “I don’t want to lose her,” I cried, hot tears burning a trail down my cheeks. “And I’m not ready to have a baby. Not here. Not now.”

“We’ll be fine. I promise,” he soothed quietly, but firmly. “And you won’t lose your sister.”

“How do you know?” I sobbed, crumbling into him. Jiang tightened his hold on me and kissed the top of my head. I loved how firmly he held me…as if he were holding the crumbling pieces of my very being together.

“Because she says so,” Jiang said with a small smile. “And if your sister is any bit as strong-willed and stubborn as you, there’s no way she’d let this overcome her.” I smiled slightly, but then frowned again as dark thoughts re-entered my mind. Jiang lathered up some soap and began washing me with it, attempting to massage away my tension.

“You should be in China,” I whispered, the thought suddenly floating into my mind. …as if I didn’t already have enough worries on my plate right now. “You have your own issues to deal with, and here I go dragging you into mine.”

“Being there won’t help much,” Jiang answered quietly, lathering my back with soap now. “The children are in school now…and I won’t see them anyway until their next break. …Besides, my place is with you…you and this baby,” he murmured, his soapy hands moving to my stomach. They faltered though, his own attempt at cheering himself up failing. The truth was he loved those children to death and being away from them was hurting him more than he let on. I turned around and wrapped my arms around him. The court had recognized that neither Jiang, nor Jiannan were unfit parents, but Jiannan was still granted the most time with them anyway. Another thing to feel horrible about.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, averting his gaze.

“It’s not your fault,” Jiang murmured, his soapy hands resuming their charted path. I kissed his chest softly, and he kissed my forehead. Closing my eyes, I tilted my head up to claim his lips, warm and wet from the running water of the shower. My heart began to race, but my throat still clenched painfully. So much was so wrong right now. Jiang carefully pinned me against the wall, his hands brushing over my stomach, lingering for a moment before moving around to my back…the heat and pressure of the water swept the suds away. I forced my nightmares out of my mind as I intensified the kiss between us. My arms wrapped around his neck…he lifted me up…and together we lost ourselves to the rivulets of steaming water, the scent of lilac, the feel of each other, and the exultant sound of our muffled gasps and cries.

Sometimes, for brief moments, we could both forget.

“‘Susan, Eve’s Daughter,’ said Father Christmas, ‘these are for you’,” and he handed her a bow and a quiver full of arrows and a little ivory horn. ‘You must use the bow only in great need’ he said, ‘for I do not want you to fight in the battle. It does not easily miss. And when you put the horn to your lips and blow it, then wherever you are, I think help of some kind will come to you,” I read in a low voice, trying to imitate what Father Christmas might sound like.

Chandler giggled, smiling up at me and moving his little arms to tell me to continue. I couldn’t help but give him a small smile in return and then began to read again—his favorite book: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. I didn’t know if he understood much of it, but he always chose it whenever we asked what he’d like to hear.

“Last of all he said, ‘Lucy, Eve’s Daughter,’ and Lucy came forward. He gave her a little bottle and a small dagger. ‘In this bottle,’ he said, ‘is a medicine made from the juice of the fire-flowers that grow in the mountains of the sun. If you or any of your friends is hurt, a few drops will heal them. And the dagger is to-”

You have to listen.

I paused, my head suddenly hurting and my stomach swirling. Not again. “Hey…Auntie doesn’t feel so well. Can we continue tomorrow?” I asked quickly, setting the book down. Chandler frowned at me, but didn’t yell. He just looked confused. “Nightie, night, baby,” I murmured, leaning down to give him a quick kiss and then racing out of the room before he could protest.

“BLAAAARGHHH!”

Again.

Don’t you see?

I closed my eyes, resting my head against the cool tile of the wall as I waited to see whether my stomach was settled or not.

“In this bottle is a medicine made from the juice of the fire-flowers that grow in the mountains of the sun. If you or any of your friends is hurt, a few drops will heal them.”

My head felt so heavy. I felt so ill.

…collect something called “flame fruit.” It seemed to thrive off the intense heat of the tomb…it even felt warm to the touch….

…with growing fruits that looked like pears, only with strikingly white halos around them…this plant didn’t die on me though…unlike the other…which had a flower that I could have sworn had the face of a skull….

So off to the Nectary I went to sample as many different nectars as I possibly could….

“…a medicine made from the juice of the fire-flowers…if you or any of your friends is hurt, a few drops will heal them…”

My eyes snapped open. I knew what I had to do.

Taking a deep breath, I got up, damned all possible repercussions to hell, and then reached for my phone. It rang twice before it picked up.

“Hello? Yes…I’d like a ticket for your earliest flight to France.”

An Amalgamation of Comments and Cheers (Author’s Note)

Tamara: “OH MY GOD!”

Catherine: “I know! It’s so exciting!”

Wait, what are you girls talking about?

Tamara: LOOK!

At what!?

Both: THE VIEW COUNT!

*glances over*

AHHHHHHHH!!

It’s…

Tamara: It’s actually over 10,000….

I KNOW, I JUST WANTED TO USE THAT PICTURE!

Both: *stare*

*shifty*

But no really, I’ve hit over 10,000 views on Different Winters!!

WOOOOOOOO!!!!!! RECYCLED SCREENSHOTS! YAY!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!

>.>

Ahem. In all seriousness, thank you all so, so, so much for sticking by me over the course of the year! Oh and yep, you read that right, one year!! Last month officially marked a year for this blog and I just hit 10,000 views the other day. This, of course, would not be possible without amazing people like you wanting to check in on my simmies’ lives, so thank you, thank you, thank you!!

In a mini-celebration of sorts (since I know in the grand scheme of things 10,000 isn’t all that many >.>) I have made a Family Tree for the Winters and have finally updated my downloads to include all the heirs and spouses from Aubrey on, so check them out! Oh, and if you want anyone else, just ask me in the comments and I’ll add them as well =D

I also have one more comment, er well, two more comments as this IS an amalgamation of comments and cheers, after all…..

MY LAPTOP DIED.

*sobs*

So I had to buy a new one…but now I have a new laptop! LOOK AT THE WATER OMG IT’S NOT A BLUE BLOCK ANYMORE! OMG! *CHEERS*

Although on a second look, her reflection kind of looks like a grinning face….

*shudders*

ANYWAY

I also finally got Showtime!

*GOES INSANE*

Actually, getting Showtime isn’t THAT exciting, but it is pretty cool….

Err…I said cool, not pool.

Crystal: “But I wanted to show off my awesome pool table moves!!

Uhh….

Crystal: “Aren’t you going to introduce me?!”

No…you’re just some random sim I made so I could try out the features of Showtime.

Crystal: But, but, but, you said that if you grew to like me enough I might have a debut in Different-

SHHHHHHHHH! DON’T TELL THEM! GOD!

Crystal: Okay, okay, calm down. Be chill…like me ;D

YES YOU ARE SO CHILL.

Crystal: That’s part of my act! I was stuck in a box!

Yeah well, if you don’t hush I’m really going to put you in a box.

Crystal: …..

Anyway, Crystal here has been making her way up the ranks of the Acrobat Profession, which can be fun to watch and can cause more than just the occasional giggle.

I could see myself becoming kind of tired of the repetition…but it’s cool enough I suppose. SimPort is a little annoying because I feel like it’s always up in my grill, as are the advertisements for the Sim Store that appears in Buy/Build Mode and CAS, but I guess I’ll get used to it. …I GUESS. Oh, and I’m LilyShadowWriter on there too, if you want to add me, hah.

I DO like, however, that some awesome items are back, like the Karaoke Machine!! WOOT!!!

*hears the sound of dying cats* OMG WHAT DA FAK!?

Crystal: You’re just jealous of my swag.

Me: *ears bleeding*

…..

………

Anyway…that’s about all I have to say today =D

I don’t-

Crystal: NOO!! DON’T GOOO! I NEED MORE AIRTIME!

……*IGNORES*

*talks over Crystal’s begging* SO I DON’T KNOW WHEN A NEW DIFFERENT WINTERS CHAPTER WILL BE UP BECAUSE SCHOOL IS STARTING UP AGAIN, BUT MAYBE IT WON’T BE TOO LONG SINCE THE SIMS DOESN’T TAKE 48320942 HOURS TO LOAD ANYMORE!

Crystal: You can stop screaming now, I’ve given up.

*whew*

I really don’t know though…just know that I’ll be trying my best and to keep a look out! Thank you as always for sticking by me—your readership is super appreciated and your comments quite literally make my day! I love you all <3

Until next time…

This is LilyShadowWriter signing out.

Chapter 3.9: Shattered Bliss

Welcome back, all! Once again, apologies for my extended absence. What with me being busier than I have ever been in my life and my laptop giving me issues, I really haven’t had the chance to update. In fact, I’ve been working on this chapter forever and finally finished today. HOORAY! It’s at least long though to make up for the wait! Also, I just wanted to sincerely thank all of you for sticking by my blog even though posts are now few and far between. It means the world to me, seriously. Enjoy and please don’t hesitate to comment- I love getting feedback! =)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Happy two week,” I said softly, smiling down at Jiang through the darkness of the room.

“You celebrated one week too,” Jiang commented. “Are we celebrating an anniversary every week?” he asked, smiling back.

“Perhaps. Or at least until I get tired of it.”

Jiang laughed and I followed suit, but we were both quieted once our lips found each other’s once more. I took this moment to adjust myself atop Jiang, deepening the kiss as my fingers wandered lower and grazed his abdomen. He took in a sharp breath of air, leaning into my touch as his tongue sought further contact. He tasted like mint leaves and tea. I loved it. I loved him. My kisses turned more purposeful.

“You’re making ‘slow’ very difficult to do,” Jiang murmured against my lips, then failing to suppress a soft groan when I moved against him.

“As far as I’m concerned, just waiting two weeks has been slow enough for me,” I admitted, encouraging his hands to seek other, more intimate pursuits. He laughed softly. I looked down at him, meeting his eyes seriously. “Don’t you want me?” I asked softly.

“More than I think you realize,” Jiang admitted, his hands on my thighs now.

Emboldened by his actions, I announced confidently, “Then take what you want,” and then pulled the elastic out of my hair, shaking it loose.

Jiang’s blush was apparent even in the darkness of our room, and for a moment I thought I’d scared him, but then he flipped us over, one hand still on my thigh and the other weaving between the locks of my newly freed hair. His lips found mine again. This time I let out the groan. Gods please say he’d continue, please, please….

“I just don’t want to ruin this,” Jiang finally whispered, his grip on me slightly tighter.

“You won’t. We won’t. We’re meant to be. Thisis meant to be.” His eyes met mine for a moment and then he slowly pushed my nightgown up. A flash of heat rushed through my entire being and this time it was my turn to blush. I kissed him hard before he could notice.

“I love you, Tamara,” Jiang said softly, his lips planting gentle kisses down my cheek and his hands engaging in less innocent pursuits.

“I love you, too,” I managed to breathe, leaning into his touch.

…and we spent the rest of the night proving this fact to each other…all desperate kisses, ragged breaths and sharp cries, all hands and gasps and above all, overwhelming, incredible love that blossomed with what felt like the force of the recreation of the very universe itself. It was all perfect and existential and god I loved this man…and the best part of it was, he loved me, too.

During these last few weeks that I’d lived with Jiang, I honestly couldn’t remember myself ever being quite so happy. Being with him made me feel complete in a way that no one else ever did. It even numbed my usually overwhelming desire to constantly be travelling, which really was saying something.

It’s important to understand, however, that living with Jiang, although it did make me happier than I’d been in ages, wasn’t all perfect and stress-free though. No, not at all. Yes there were momentsthat felt that way, but the fact of the matter was that Jiang’s life was currently still in shambles and no amount of distraction on my part could pull him entirely away from that. Not when it affected him every day of his life.

Now, Jiang’s romantic relationship with Jiannan was no doubt over, the divorce papers already signed (they’d been working on that for awhile), but he was continuously forced into having some kind of relationship with her, if you could call it that. If it wasa relationship though, then it was one based on bitterness, anger, and constant disagreement. Why? Because there was one thing, just one thing, that Jiang was not willing to give up…

And that, was his children. It was the only matter in the divorce that hadn’t yet been settled.

The roughest days were the ones where Jiang actually had to talk to Jiannan, which was typically on the phone. The call would start out calm and civil and end with the two of them yelling at each other in Chinese. I didn’t need to know the language to understand the frustration and anger radiating from both parties. Jiannan was trying to keep the children all to herself, claiming Jiang was an unfit father, while, of course, Jiang argued the same against her.

“How can she say that I’m an unfit father when she is pregnant with some other man’s children?” Jiang would rage, looking about ready to hit something. “And do you think Shen cares at all about MY children? No! It’s a toxic environment for them to be in! It upsets them!”

“I don’t know,” I said quietly that day, feeling at a loss for the right words. I paused for a moment and then wrinkled my face, realizing something. “Wait, Shen?” I asked. “You mean the guy who owns the General Goods Store now?”

Jiang made a sound of disgust. “He doesn’t own it. Jiannan’s father owns it and as soon as she even hinted at the word ‘unfaithful’ he had me tossed out of my job faster than I could say ‘unfair.’ Then, of course, not even a month later, Shen’s the new manager of the store and Jiannan is five months pregnant with twins. And he has the nerve of talking to ME about being unfaithful.Tiang ah!”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, once again unable to think of anything else to say.

“If you’re going to feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for my children. They’re the ones suffering in this,” he muttered bitterly, finishing off his third glass of wine and setting the glass down on the table. “I can’t stand it.”

“I wish I could do something,” I mumbled, taking him in my arms and resting my head against his shoulder. He sighed, giving me a kiss on the top of the head.

“You already are. If it weren’t for you, I’d have probably gone insane by now,” Jiang admitted, rubbing my arm comfortingly. He groaned then, resting his forehead against my shoulder. “Ugh, my head. Too much wine. See what this all is doing to me?”

“I see it everyday,” I responded sadly. I shifted slightly in his arms then to kiss him, and he kissed me back a little harder than usual. A little more…desperately.

“I really do love you, you know that?” he asked then, pulling away slightly to look at me. His hands remained on my waist.

“I do,” I murmured.

“And…and I want you to be my wife, Tamara,” he entreated quietly. I practically jumped at his words, looking up at Jiang in shock and surprise. That had come out of nowhere. Goosebumps rose upon my skin. I could barely breathe.

“This isn’t just the wine talking, is it?” I asked half-jokingly once I’d regained some control over myself. I smiled nervously.

“No. I really am asking. I know it’s fast, but…I’m asking you to be my wife, Tamara,” he said seriously, his eyes never leaving mine. “Will you? That is…will you marry me, Tamara Winters?” Tears came to my eyes unbidden and my throat felt tight. Despite the unexpectedness of his proposal and just how incredibly fast it was all going though I found myself nodding, the answer the same as it probably would have been the first time I ever laid eyes on him.

“Yes,” I answered quickly, my eyes meeting his. “Yes, I’ll marry you. I’d like nothing more.” Jiang smiled down at me and then kissed me ardently, his arms wrapping around me and holding me close. And he kissed me…and kissed me…and I melted into his arms…and right into his bed once more.

Yes…being with Jiang definitely made me the happiest I’d been in years.

Whenever Jiang was caught up in court and other various legal proceedings though, I found other ways to keep myself busy, either honing my martial arts skills, or journeying deep into tombs where I’d find all kinds of treasures.

I even followed the trail of a truly mystical story regarding the curse of the Dragon Cave. The woman who had sent me seemed convinced that I could end the curse, but that isn’t really why I went. No, I mostly went because it sounded interesting, and because this journey took me to places within the cave that I’d never been yet.

Once I got to the end of the cave though I was attacked by what I’m pretty sure were a bunch of idiots dressed in mummy costumes. They even had the nerve to try and beat me up! So this was the so-called curse the old lady had talked about—a couple of pranksters! I easily showed them that they had just messed with the LAST tourist though, thoroughly beating each and every one of them in a fight. They were strong…really strong, but my martial arts training gave me the extra edge.

When they disappeared in a cloud of sand and dust though, I got nervous. How in the world had they done that? Were they okay? Was there some kind of trap door or something I didn’t notice? And how had they imitated the stench of decay and death so well?

Needless to say, I got out of there quickly, my heart practically pounding. Sometimes these journeys led me places I simply didn’t want to go.

“So I think I ended the so-called ‘curse’ you were talking about….”

“You defeated the mummy of Dong Huo?” the woman who sent me on the quest responded in a low hiss, her face pale.

“Err, mummies, actually. Seeing as there was more than one, but I’m pretty sure it was just some idiot guys in suits trying to scare tourists off. Anyway though, I don’t think they’ll be quick to scare anyone else for awhile. I told them that if they even dared bother anyone again I’d be back, and this time with the police.”

“You don’t believe…do you?” the old woman asked, lines of sadness crossing her features.

“Believe what? You mean…in mummies?,” I asked, stalling for time. Flashes of my time in the Dragon Cave came unbidden in my head…as well as that strange day in Egypt when I was a teenager…what’d I seen. I shook my head and stammered out a response, “Well, I mean…I mean it makes a lot more sense that-”

“Tell me exactly what happened,” she interrupted, her gaze on me fierce. It made me uneasy all over again, but I told my story about going into the cave, being sure to leave nothing out since it all seemed so important to her. When I got to the part of fighting the “mummies,” she paled, her eyes wide with fear, and then grabbed the front of my shirt, shaking me. “Are you sureyou defeated them all?” she asked in a low hiss, her face much too close to mine.

“Y-y-yes,” I stammered, taken aback. “They were just idiots in costumes. I mean they were strong yeah, but-”

“And what happened once you defeated them? What?”

“They…they…” this was the most unbelievable part. For a moment I worried that the old lady would think I was crazy if I told her the truth, but then I took note again of her hand clutching my shirt and her wild, wild eyes, and I realized that of all people to worry about sounding crazy to, this was not one. “They disappeared,” I finally managed. “Just…vanished. In a swirl of dust and sand. They even left behind some ashes.”

“Good. That’s good. And you’re sure you weren’t cursed?”

“Cursed?”

“Yes, silly girl! Cursed! Mummies can do that you know. Do you feel alright? Not clammy or sick or anything, right? If so, you have to go to Egypt. To the Sphinx. As quickly as you can possibly make it or else-”

“I feel fine,” I quickly interrupted, taking a step back away from the lady. She let go of my shirt.

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, I’m positive. Now if you’ll excuse me….” I said, but the old woman seemed lost in her own world now, muttering and smiling about the curse being broken and Dong Huo’s spirit being trapped. Taking advantage of this opportunity, I immediately fled, my heart pounding. Some people here just took magic way too seriously.

I came home ready for a nice long bath, especially after having spent the night in an ancient tomb. I felt gross, all sweaty and musty smelling with who knows what clinging to my skin and clothes. As I walked through the door I took off my hat, setting it down on the counter and making a beeline for the bathroom.

I stopped in my tracks though when I saw Jiang on the couch, head in his hands and looking completely miserable. “What’s wrong?” I immediately asked, all thoughts of bathing leaving my mind. Jiang jumped slightly, looking startled. It looked like he hadn’t even heard me come in. Oh god, what’s happened?

“Oh, hi. I didn’t see you,” Jiang replied, looking up at me and forcing a small smile. “I’m glad you’re back.”

“Me too,” I responded. It got quiet and I began to feel nervous, rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet. “Is…is everything okay?” I finally asked, it seeming clear that Jiang wasn’t going to say anything else.

“Yes…no. I mean…no it’s fine…it’s just…” his voice trailed off for a moment and he got a pained looking expression on his face. “It’s just…I’m worried Jiannan is going to win this custody case.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked, approaching Jiang and taking a seat beside him on the couch.

“It seems to be leaning in her favor. She’s their mother. It’s a more stable home. Shen and her are married now…and he has the business. I…I have nothing right now,” he said, his voice cracking. He fell silent again, his eyes staring at nothing and his jaw clenched. He looked like he was falling apart from the inside out. I didn’t think anything I said would help him, but I tried.

“I mean, it’s not like yours is an unstable home anyway. And she can’t just take the kids away entirely. You’re their father,” I pressed, and then paused for a moment, thinking. “What do they want? Your kids, I mean.”

“For us to get back together and be a family again, of course,” Jiang said with a heavy sigh, massaging his temples. “But I think they’re realizing that that’s just not going to happen. They don’t like Shen, but they don’t want to leave their mother. But then also, they don’t want to leave me either. They’re upset. And I don’t think it’s helping that they see me with someone too,” he admitted, glancing over at me apologetically.

“No, it’s okay,” I said quickly, brushing it off. “I understand.” And I did—I really did. In fact, I was surprised Jiang’s children were even showing me the respect that they did, seeing as how I was the “other” woman in their father’s life. I mean…they didn’t seemed to particularly likeme either, but they were polite and sometimes even asked me some questions. Mostly they kind of avoided me, but I was trying. I really was. I figured they just needed their space, so I didn’t push…merely trying to show them that I wasn’t a “bad guy.” “Is there anything we can do?” I asked then, meeting Jiang’s eyes again.

Jiang shrugged, still looking miserable. “I just have to keep trying. I think I’ll get them weekends. Maybe school breaks too,” he finally whispered. “I just hate the thought of not-” his voice broke again and he looked up at the ceiling, his eyes overly bright. He took a deep breath. “Of not seeing them everyday.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Even though I didn’t actually have any children of my own, I could imagine that this was tearing him apart. Hell, I could see it tearing him up, and even I felt a bit upset about it. The truth was, I was kind of…well…looking forwardto being a mom to them. Or at least a good friend, since I really wasn’t sure if I was “mom material” anyway.

“We should go,” Jiang finally said abruptly.

“Go?”

“Away. Somewhere. Get away from it all. …just for the weekend. I can’t-…I can’t sit around here like this. I know a place. Up in the mountains. It’s quiet.” Jiang sighed, rubbing his temples again. “I can’t deal with this,” he whispered.

“Yes, you can,” I said vehemently, turning toward Jiang and taking his hands in mine. “We’ll go away for the weekend and we’ll come back and you’ll take this head-on! You’re going to get through this, and everything is going to work out. I just know it.”

Jiang looked at me for a long moment and then slowly nodded, a small, hesitant smile crossing his features. I wasn’t sure if he looked entirely convinced about it, but he was certainly convinced about this trip, and so it was settled that we’d essentially go camping for the weekend. I was excited about it…and I think after awhile Jiang was feeling pretty happy about it too.

And although I may not have actually been 100% sure everything was going to work out, I did know that I was going to do everything in my power to make this weekend great for him.

What with all this crap going on in Jiang’s life, it just had to be….

And it was, to be honest. Jiang and I went to the hot springs…

Fished…

Talked around the campfire late into the night…

And partook in other, er, enjoyable activities

All in all it’d been such a wonderful weekend, that when I woke up that Sunday morning, I couldn’t help but feel at least a little disappointed that it was over. Of course, I couldn’t dwell on this thought for too long because it was soon after that I realized Jiang wasn’t laying beside me.

Confused, I crawled out of our tent, clambering onto my feet and squinting in the brightness of the sun. “Jiang?” I called out, blinking as my eyes adjusted.

“Oh good, you’re awake,” I heard from somewhere over to my left. I blinked again and my eyes came back into focus only to see Jiang looking at me ecstatically and carrying a decent sized box with a giant bow on it.

“What’s this?” I asked curiously, gesturing toward the box.

“A present. For you,” he said, looking suddenly nervous as he held the box out to me.

“What for?”

“Just open it.” Raising an eyebrow at Jiang, I did as I was told, removing the ribbon from the package and hastily unwrapping it. Jiang looked about ready to burst as I finally got the box unwrapped, sliding my finger into the crack to pull up the cardboard lid. My eyes widened as I caught a glimpse of what was inside.

“Jiang…?” I asked in small whisper, removing a long, intricately decorated red gown.

“Marry me, Tamara?” Jiang responded in an anxious whisper, giving my hands a squeeze and pushing the gorgeous garment toward me. “Here. Today.”

“Today?” I asked incredulously, feeling stupid that I suddenly seemed only able to speak in questions. Jiang laughed softly and then nodded before gesturing out beyond our campsite.

“What better place, honestly? The waterfall…the sun…the trees…you…it’s all I need. It’s all we need,” he paused, taking my hands in his. “I love you, Tamara, more than I can ever properly express, and- and I’m pretty sure you love me too, I mean-”

“Of course I love you,” I interrupted, looking at him seriously. “And yes…I’ll marry you here…today. I’d like nothing more.”

The smile I received from Jiang at my words was brighter than the day.

And so it was that Jiang and I got married, on that warm, beautiful day, with the waterfall rushing beyond us, the sun kissing our faces, and the sweet scent of cherry blossoms soothing our senses. It was everything I could have possibly dreamed of, and as Jiang slipped that ring upon my finger, I knew that it was possible for reality to be better than dreams.

And as Jiang playfully scooped me up in his arms, successfully enveloping me in his warm, gentle touch, I seriously couldn’t imagine ever feeling so happy again for the rest of my life.

And to be honest, I don’t think that’s an exaggeration.

So when I received a phone call from home a little later that day, I only got more excited.

“Hey, Dad! I was actually just going to call—I have wonderful news!” I gushed as soon as I answered the phone, happiness entwined with every word I spoke.

“Tamara…it’s your sister, Catherine,” my dad answered quietly, the weight of the world settling upon his every word.

“Hey honey, who’s that? Did you tell them the great news!?” Jiang suddenly cried. I couldn’t even find the words to reply to him, frozen in place. The smile faded from Jiang’s face as soon as he noticed my reaction and he asked me what was wrong, but I ignored him. I had to hear what Dad said next…and yet, I never wanted to.

“What’s wrong?” I somehow managed to whisper into the phone, my heart sinking so low in my chest that I thought the very ligaments and tissues that held it in place had broken.

“She-…” his voice broke, and tears beaded in my eyes before I even heard his next words. The words that would change everything.

“She has cancer.”

Chapter 3.8: Between Hope and Fear

Sorry for the delay! Some things about this chapter were driving me crazy…but I think I’m finally okay with it….I think. Gah, sorry if it sucks! Anyway, as stated previously, chapter 7 and this one used to be the same chapter, but I split it up due to its length and the time I had available to upload these. Regardless of my qualms though, I hope you enjoy!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“It was a brutal attack, Miss Winters….”

“It was-”

“I know. Self-defense. Is that all you have to say?”

I hung my head. I knew I had gone too far. “He tried-….he tried to rape me,” I told the judge quietly, my blood running cold at the words. It didn’t matter how many times I’d told the story so far. It never got easier. No matter how many times I said the words, they still made my insides churn and my skin turn clammy.

“I know that, too. That’s why the court has officially declared you free of all charges.” I looked up, surprised. Even though there was no shadow of a doubt that my actions were purely in self-defense, there was also no debating that I had hurt him…badly. The thought made my stomach twist again, but this time, with guilt. I hated him, yes, but had he really deserved this? Two cracked ribs, a twisted ankle, and a black and blued face to match? My thoughts were abruptly cut off though by the judges’ next words.

“You are, however, required to go to one month of counseling for victims of violent crimes.”

“Yes, your Honor,” I responded, my eyes downcast. I had figured as much. After a case like this, I was sure they’d worry about my mental stability. Perhaps they’d even worried that it had gone from self-defense, to rage. I mean, they’d realized afterward that I just had a background in Martial Arts, but they still probably wanted to cover their asses. …well that, and I truly was fucked up right now.

“Court adjourned then.” The hearing hadn’t taken long. It was a pretty straightforward case. Kind of. “And Miss Winters?”

“Hmm?” I asked weakly, turning back around.

“It wasn’t your fault. …he attacked you.” I nodded, thrown off by the judge’s sudden sympathy. He stood up then and left the bench, leaving me just standing there amidst whispers and the soft shuffle of papers. It was all like a nightmare…only worse.

Because this, all of this, was a dismal reality.

“Chandler wants to see his Auntie,” Catherine announced happily, holding her tiny baby out to me. I snapped out of my thoughts as I heard Chandler’s babbling inches away from my face, hesitating for just for a moment before I took him into my arms. It had been a month since the trial. Trey was incarcerated after healing enough to be released from the hospital, found guilty of both attempted rape and stalking. He had apparently been tracking me…following records, asking people about me, watching me. The thought made me want to vomit, and I had on several occasions. I just couldn’t get those images out of my head…being thrown against the trunk of that tree…fearing for my life…Trey lying on the ground, bruised and bloodied….

I took a deep breath to steady myself, holding Chandler closer.

I had just finished with counseling. Although I knew I was nowhere near healed, I’d stopped going. I figured they had helped as much as they could and now it was my turn to do the rest. Besides, they couldn’t force me to go longer than a month. In that time, my handsome little nephew had been born—lovely little Chandler. I looked down at him and couldn’t help but smile at least a little.

“He really is perfect,” I remarked, admiring the baby in my arms. Catherine beamed, happy to see me smiling.

“Isn’t he? I just wish he’d sleep through the night,” she said with a laugh.

“Me too, trust me,” I joined in.

Life had been weird since…that day. I’d stayed at home, at first too traumatized to even speak, but counseling did help me with that. I felt almost like myself again…but as if something were missing.

I was well aware of what I missed though. I’d missed traveling…the spirit of adventure…but I couldn’t get myself to go. Whereas once I had thought of my trips as my safe recluse, now that privacy and safety felt violated. Even though I knew Trey was in jail now, I couldn’t help but wonder where he might have hidden as I traveled to my favorite places and who he might have talked to for information. It all made me feel incredibly sick, and for awhile I couldn’t stand the thought of traveling again.

Partly because of this, Farouk and I had broken up. It wasn’t because of anything else bad per se—we just never talked and it soon became obvious that this long distance relationship wasn’t going to work. He was seeing someone else now…a fact which made me feel even more awkward and uneasy about going to Egypt, at least for a little while.

There was France too, but I didn’t exactly have happy memories there, so I couldn’t bring myself to break my traveling lull there either. Besides…after the nightmare let up a little and the uneasiness abated some, I knew where I really wanted to go.

…back to China. I had missed it so much. Jiang had called a couple times, but I never answered. The only reason I knew it was him was because I recognized the area code. I guess he stopped trying eventually.

….I missed him. I missed him so much it was like a constant ache in my chest, driving me fucking insane. I could usually ignore it, but every now and then, on an especially bad day, I would break down into tears. There was no other way around it. I was in love with a married man. I could admit that now…but it obviously didn’t make things any easier. The more desperate I felt to see him and talk to him, the guiltier I felt. The last thing I wanted to do was break up a marriage, but I least just wanted to talk to him, even if it was just once more.

I’d told my sister about it. Hell, I’d even told my parents about it. My mom looked unhappy about it, urging me not to do anything. Catherine agreed, albeit a little more hesitantly. My dad was quiet though, thinking. “Does he love you back?” he’d asked, much to Mom’s annoyance. “I don’t know,” I’d admitted quietly. “Then you need to find out.” Mom and Dad argued about that for a moment, but eventually she agreed too, sighing. A random flashback had come to my mind, about when my parents had nearly broken up. I wondered if their disagreement had had something to do with that. “Look, if she’d never confronted me about it, she wouldn’t have been able to move on,” Dad had insisted. I thought back to the Nanny I had, way back when. She’d left right around that time. If it was…what I thought it might have been…if…I glanced at my dad…and then to my mom. Well, if my situation turned out like theirs…the odds were against me.

But maybe, just maybe, Dad was right.

I needed to at least find out.

And so it was not even a week later that I found myself on that airplane to Shang Simla, my heart beating hard. I had never felt so anxious in my life.

In fact, when I touched down, I couldn’t even will myself to go to base camp, heading straight to the market. My heart pounded like the drums of war as I hurriedly rushed toward the General Goods store. I was going to see his face. I was going to hear his voice. God, I had missed him, so, so much.

“Guess who!?” I cried happily as soon as I jumped into the store, an as of late uncharacteristically huge grin on my face.

But the smile quickly slid off my face as I saw not Jiang behind the counter, but an old familiar face. Shen. That dick that had ordered me to get that treasure for him way back when.

“Was I expecting you?” he asked, looking smug.

“Oh…no,” I said, my cheeks burning. “I was expecting…I mean. ….where’s Jiang?” I finally asked, desperate. “Jiang Lu?”

“He no longer works here,” Shen answered, looking at me curiously. “What do you want with him?”

“He’s a friend,” I answered hastily. I paused then, thinking for a moment. “Do you, do you know where he works now?”

“No.”

“Okay…um…do you know where I might find him?”

“Nosy, aren’t you?” he asked with a frown. “Well, I don’t know. Are you going to buy anything?”

“No-”

“Then get out!”

Well, Shen hadn’t changed at all, I thought to myself as I left the store, but that was the least of my concerns.

I had just travelled thousands of miles to talk to Jiang…and now I had no idea where he was. Maybe this is a sign, I worried. Maybe I was never meant to talk to him. Feeling more depressed than ever, I finally trudged my way to base camp, bad memories and feelings overtaking me once more.

Maybe it was a mistake to come here.

A stupid, stupid, mistake.

To drive myself out of my funk, I explored China some more, going into tombs I’d never ventured into yet, finding new treasures, enjoying the sites. It was almost like old times…except that when I lay alone in my tent, hundreds of feet underneath the ground, instead of feeling awe and excitement, I felt a dull, hollow feeling in my chest, for I was completely alone. And instead of waking up to the exhilarating anticipation of new discoveries to be made, I’d wake up in a cold sweat, gasping as I tried to wipe away tears and the scenes of a nightmare that was actually reality.

It was when I was visiting the Terracotta army that it happened. The moment I laid eyes on the man I loved more than I could even explain. I nearly cried when I saw him, wanting to jump on him and smother him with kisses…but he was still married, and on top of that, he was with his children. I watched in silence, my soul vibrating. He had two kids, as he had told me. A little boy and a little girl around the same age. I couldn’t tell if one was older or not, or if they were twins. They seemed upset and Jiang was talking to them comfortingly in Chinese. It made my heart ache. I wanted him more than ever.

Despite this though, I shifted sideways to hide behind a statue. Unfortunately, the crunch of the stone beneath my feet gave me away and the little boy looked right up at me. He quickly wiped his tears away, looking embarrassed that a stranger had seen him. Puzzled, Jiang looked up as well…and his gaze locked on mine. I was frozen in place, half-hidden behind the statue, my heart pounding. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t…I was afraid it’d come out as a cry instead.

“Tamara?” he asked, his voice sounding awed as his eyes opened wide. “It’s been so long.”

“Yeah, it’s me,” I finally managed, willing myself not to cry. It was harder than I thought. I swallowed and stepped out from behind the statue, walking a little closer, but then halted. His kids were looking at me with identical questioning faces, looking from their father to me. “It’s…it’s good to see you.”

“Y…you too,” he responded. Jiang looked down at his kids then and spoke to them in Chinese. I had no idea what he was saying—just watched as the children looked at me again and then back to them. Their eyes were slightly puffy from crying. Finally they nodded to him respectfully and then scurried off, disappearing amongst the massive stone soldiers. “My children,” he introduced with a hesitant smile. “My daughter is Liu Lu, and my son is Wang Lu.” The daughter’s name sounded like “Lee-oo,” the son, “Wahng.” Before I could respond though, Jiang added another comment with a laugh, “They think you’re pretty.”

“And do you?” I wanted to ask, but I stayed quiet, merely smiling instead. “Well, tell them thanks,” I said, forcing a small laugh. “So what brings you here?” I asked then, trying to make casual conversation.

“I should ask you the same, but as you asked first…I’m trying to get them out of the house,” he answered with a sigh, the smile fading from his lips. “My wi-..well…Jiannan, she’s…she’s pregnant.” I watched as his face grew more drawn, looking more serious than I’d ever seen him look again. I wondered if my face suddenly looked exactly the same.

“Oh. Um…” I didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t exactly seem happy about it. “Congrats…?” I said hesitantly, feeling foolish.

“We haven’t shared a bed in over a year,” Jiang said quietly, averting my gaze.

I froze, staring at Jiang in surprise. That I had not expected. “I’m…I’m so sorry,” I said. And I was. Truly. How could anyone treat him like that?

“No need,” he said now, sighing heavily. “Our marriage has been over for a long time, but we stayed together for the children. And…well, because people would look down on it. You’re not supposed to get divorced. You’re supposed to stay together until you are old…your hair white…and then you still stick together. She…she dishonored me.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered again, unable to think of anything else to say as I stared at Jiang, helpless.

“I dishonored her too though,” he said, and for the first time he truly looked upset. My heart sunk. All I could think was “There’s someone else.” My eyes burned. I couldn’t speak anymore. “I’ve shamed myself,” he continued in a hollow voice, staring elsewhere.

“She…she did too,” I finally managed, hating to see Jiang this way. I wanted to take him into my arms. I wanted to cry.

“My wife-…Jiannan…she saw us talking once when you were here,” Jiang continued, as if I hadn’t said a word. He paused. “She said we were watching the stars…and I looked over at you. She said…she said that I’d never looked at her that way before.” I couldn’t speak again. I was shaking. I could barely even breathe. “It’s my fault she crawled into the bed of another man,” he continued hollowly. “But it doesn’t even hurt. Not really. She was right.”

“I don’t-…I-” I started, but then my voice cracked, and tears escaped my eyes, and all I could manage was a shuddering breath.

“The first time you walked into my store, well, what was my store, I thought to myself that I had never seen a woman as beautiful as you. When you opened your mouth, I realized you were just as beautiful inside. Kind. Passionate. Alive. I’d never felt that way about anyone else.”

“What are you saying?” I whispered. I didn’t dare think—he couldn’t. There was no way.

To my surprise, Jiang laughed softly, his liquid brown eyes shining. He shook his head. “Ahh, Tamara. Why is it that you can see even the most cleverly hidden things, but you cannot see what is right in front of your eyes?”

“Jiang,” I started in a quiet, strained voice, but then could not manage to say anything else, a lump in my throat so large that it hurt. My stomach was doing somersaults; my body was trembling, my cheeks wet.

He took in a breath, running a hand roughly through his hair. It was the first sign of nerves I’d seen him show. “I just-, I need to say- well,” he stammered, before managing a small, unsure smile. “I’m…I’m in love with you, Tamara. …and I’m so sorry.”

I startled even myself as I broke down at Jiang’s words, a sob tearing from my body. I didn’t know why I was crying so hard though. Was it relief, happiness…shame? I felt like I’d done this. That I’d broken up their marriage. That I’d made him fall in love with me without even realizing it. I’d been flirting with a married man and now that I’d technically gotten what I wanted, I just felt like shit.

“Tamara…?” I heard Jiang question quietly, followed by the ghost of a touch on my arm. He quickly pulled his hand away from me though when he heard a little girl’s voice…his little girl’s voice. She asked something in Chinese, sounding concerned.

“Nothing is wrong, qiānjīn,” Jiang answered, half in English, half in Chinese.

“But then why is she crying?” Liu asked suspiciously, her English heavily accented.

“Maybe she is sad for us too, because Mǔqīn doesn’t love us anymore,” a little boy’s voice added, his eyes still red from crying. I looked up finally, hastily wiping my eyes of my tears. Jiang was admonishing them in rapid Chinese now, probably letting them know that their Mom still did love them.

“No! She loves the baby now, with the new man!” Liu shouted. “Why doesn’t she love us anymore?” she asked then, her eyes filling up with tears again. “I miss her.”

Jiang looked upset and stressed as he glanced over at me. “Tamara, can we-…can we talk again tonight?” he asked as his children burst into tears. “I’d…I’d like to finish this conversation. …can you meet me at…at the Scholar’s Garden late tonight? Do you know where that is?”

I nodded, feeling numb. “I’ll meet you,” I answered quietly, wishing I could say something to comfort his children.

Jiang gave me a little bow and then took his children by their hands, talking to them in rapid Chinese again as he hurried off with them.

…which left me alone among the looming stone soldiers, feeling helpless and confused, my body still trembling.

Everything was such a mess.

The rest of that evening seemed like the slowest night in the entire history of days. I ate dinner without tasting it, even though it was my favorite—egg rolls. I walked like a zombie. My head hurt. My stomach lurched.

I never imagined coming to China would be this way.

Of course, I didn’t know what I had expected either. Jiang to have dumped his wife and rode off with me into the sunset? It was so much more complicated than that. There were children involved, and the break-up was horribly messy, and everyone was so upset. There was no beautiful sunset, only pain.

That night I walked to the Scholar’s Garden in silence, my head still reeling as I stepped into its peaceful aura. Everything was quiet. The air was lightly perfumed with the smell of cherry blossoms and lotuses. There was no one else there.

…until Jiang arrived like a ghost, startling me when I suddenly noticed him beside me. I jumped.

“Sorry…I didn’t mean to scare you,” Jiang whispered quickly. I nodded, staring up at him. His face was apologetic, his eyes reflecting the moon high above. Being near him made me feel safe. No other guy ever made me fully feel that way. They always made me anxious, nervous…afraid of being hurt. But not Jiang. Never Jiang. I knew that he would never hurt me.

“Jiang?” I asked quietly, looking up at him again.

“Hmm?”

“I’m in love with you too.” Jiang opened his mouth to say something, but I pulled him toward me and kissed him…passionately. As soon as my lips touched his, it felt like my upended world clicked into place…and then faded away. There was nothing else. Nothing except Jiang and his pliable lips. Nothing except the soft moan that escaped from his throat, setting my blood on fire. Nothing except our souls, and our love, finally intertwining in one glorious, heated kiss.

When our lips finally parted, we were both gasping, my body pressed into his and his arms around my waist. His lips grazed mine. I wanted him so badly that it hurt. I wanted him to make love to me right here and right now in this garden. I wanted him to make me his. “Oh, god, Jiang,” I whispered feverishly, pressing into him harder. He let out a soft groan, muffled only by the fact that his face was now buried in the crook of my neck. The sound set my nerves ablaze.

“Qīn ài de,” he murmured, his lips brushing my jaw. “We-” he cleared his throat, trying to regain control of his senses. “We should go slow.”

“Slow?” I asked absently, still feel dazed. My heart was pounding.

“Yes,” Jiang answered, sounding a little stronger now. He pulled away slightly, but only just. I could still feel the heat of his body. How was he always so warm? “I don’t…I don’t want to mess this up.”

“We won’t! I-”

“I have a lot of things to work out,” he reminded me in a strained voice, sending me crashing back down to reality.

“Right,” I said quietly, crestfallen. I loved him so much. I wanted to show him that.

“That being said…will you move in with me, Tamara?” he asked, smiling down at me.

“How is that slow?” I asked skeptically, but my lips couldn’t help but pull up in a smile. “And what about…what about Ji-”

“It’s a new place of my own. …I needed someplace to stay while…you know. It’s small, but nice. I…I want to get to know you better. …I want you to get to know my children better,” Jiang added, his gaze intense.

My cheeks turned red as I blushed. “Okay,” I agreed. “I would love to move in with you…but Jiang?”

“Hmm?”

“What does ‘ching aiy dah’ mean?” I asked, looking up at him with a puzzled look on my face.

“You mean ‘qīn ài de’?” he asked, looking back at me.

“Yes,” I said, my cheeks flushing again.

“It means ‘darling,’ Jiang answered softly…and then claimed my lips again in a soft, sweet kiss that made the world fade away once more.

“Wǒ ài nǐ, qīn ài de.”

…“I love you, my darling.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 3.7: Inter Spem Et Metum

A/N: Hello again!! It hasn’t been too long, right? Right. >.> ….anyway, regardless of how long it’s been, I come bearing chapters! That’s right, plural! This chapter was originally one chapter, but it was incredibly long, so I made the executive decision to split it. That being said, this one is very short and ends abruptly, while the other is much longer and jumps right back into it. This chapter and the next also have the same title (Between Hope and Fear), only one is in Latin, the other, English. I know, I’m so clever…haha. Additionally, the next one might not be posted immediately…depending how long it takes me to lesson plan and the like tonight. Also, one last note…this chapter is rated higher for language and violence! You have been warned. All good? Okay…on with the story!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The sun shone brightly upon my skin, overheating it and causing tiny droplets of sweat to run down my face and back. I took in huge gasps of air, my heart pounding as I urged my legs onward; taking delight in the burning sensation that had begun deep within my calf and thigh muscles. With this kind of speed and strength, there was no way I wouldn’t move up in the ranks at my job. No way.

And in fact, I had gotten a few promotions at the stadium…and more than a few looks of interest as well. Maybe, just maybe, I’d eventually get a spot on that coveted soccer team.

Coming across my destination at last, I slowed to a jog, stopping only when I reached the bank of a secluded pond. I took in deep, slow breaths, reveling in the peacefulness of the mountains and contemplating diving right into that pond. The water was sure to be cool and refreshing, and my skin and muscles felt like they were on fire.

It was a good feeling. In general, I was in high spirits. Not only had I gotten those promotions at work, but my family was also thrilled to have me back AND my sister was due any day now, so soon I’d be meeting my new little niece or nephew!

Yes. Life was good.

I stayed there for hours, watching the light glimmer off of the pond and the occasional fish that would splash near the surface. I wondered if the ones that jumped the highest were actually just curious about what was outside of their world. ….or maybe I was just projecting my feelings onto a bunch of trout. Clearly, I just wasn’t meant to stay in one place for too long—no matter how happy I was.

“Fancy seeing you here,” a voice suddenly came from behind me. It was oddly familiar, but somehow different…deeper. My body reacted before my brain could place the voice though, a jolt of fear unlike any other I’d felt before freezing me to my spot. I felt like I’d died right at the prompting of a simple sentence. Still, I somehow managed to turn myself around, my body rigid. “What, no ‘good to see you’?” the voice entreated. I could hear the smile in his words.

“N-n-no,” I whispered, the only word I could manage in that moment. I didn’t even know what I was saying “no” to…his words, or his very presence.

“No? It’s Trey Forest. You might remember me,” he said matter-of-factly. “I know I remember you…and how you broke my heart.”

Those words were enough to snap me out of my frozen stupor, anger now taking over my entire being. “Broke your heart? How could I break a heart that never existed in the first place!?” I asked in a low hiss, my fists clenching by my sides. There was no way I was going to let this fucker get into my head. No way.

“You wound me, Tamara. Is that anyway to talk to your first love?” he asked with a smile.

“I never loved you!”

“That’s not what you told me before. Are you a liar too, Tamara?” he asked, looking at me with a questioning calm that unnerved me again. I ground my teeth together though, re-steeling myself against his words. I wouldn’t let him hurt me. I wouldn’t!

“You lost any feelings I ever might have had for you the night you tried to rape me,” I snapped bitterly. It was the first time I’d admitted the word to myself. I had to fight the cold chill that ran down my spine.

“Oh fuck you, Tamara. I wasn’t trying to rape you. Just…convince you,” Trey answered with a stupid, casual shrug of his shoulders. “And then what do you do? Kick me in the nuts and run out of my life! I hoped you learned your lesson though. How wasyour last year of high school anyway?” he asked innocently.

“Go to hell!”

“Is that the best you can come up with?” Trey asked, literally chuckling now. “Come on, Tamara, you know you loved me and I know you wanted it. I could see it in your eyes.” I opened my mouth to retort, but he kept talking, his gaze on me intent. “I can still see it, Tamara. I can still see how much you want me. You can still have me though. Just one word and I’m yours, sweetheart.”

“I would never, EVER sleep with you!” I yelled, rage coursing through my system at this point. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to kick him. I wanted to claw his fucking eyes out, but I stood my ground. I didn’t know how strong he was. I didn’t want to take the risk of even getting near him.

“Oh? Am I not good enough, Tamara?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Every time he said my name I wanted to slap him. “Ahhh, but André Lefebvre was good enough to spread your legs for.”

All of my anger and bravery were sucked out of me at once at that one sentence, leaving me feeling cold and helpless. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run away.“How did you know about that?” I whispered, horrified.

“I have my ways,” he answered quietly, his eyes locked on me. “I know about André…I know about your random trysts with fellow explorers…I know about Farouk. Tell me, was he good? Did it feel good when he fucked you in that dirty old tent?” Trey laughed then, a bitter sound that held no joy in it. “God, Tamara, you really ended up living up to the old rumors, didn’t you? You’re a filthy whore.”

“I-” I began, trying to defend myself, but I was feeling too shaken, too sick to even speak. How could he possibly know about all that? My eyes burned with hot tears and my stomach lurched. I suddenly felt so nauseous.

“I’d still forgive you though, if you let me,” he said softly, his voice suddenly coming from inches away from me. He gently pushed a stray hair behind my ear…brushed his lips against my forehead. “I never did stop loving you, you know.”

“Get. Away!” I spat, pushing him hard in the chest and making him stumble backward. “Get the FUCK away from me! I hate you!”

“No,” he said it so quietly that it made me freeze for a second, straining to hear him. “You fucking love me and you’re going to realize it you whore!” I gasped and turned to run, bolting toward the trees, but it wasn’t long before Trey’s fingers locked around my arm so tightly that I could feel it bruising.

“Let go!” I shrieked, trying desperately to wrench my arm out of his grasp. He wasstrong though, throwing me against a tree trunk so hard that the breath got knocked out of me and black spots appeared before my vision. Trey’s body was pressed up against me now, pinning me between the tree and himself. He smelled like some kind of cheap cologne. I wanted to vomit. “Stop it!” I cried, trying desperately to push him off. I thought I was strong. …but he was so much stronger. I sobbed as he began shoving my clothes out of the way, struggling so hard against him that I could feel my back stinging as the bark of the tree tore at my skin.

“Stay still. You know you fucking want this,” Trey said in a low growl, his face much too close to mine. “Now spread your legs for me, sweetheart. Spread them like you did for André and Farouk!” He forced his leg between mine, but as soon as he did he left part of my leg free to move. Without even a second thought, I brought my foot down on his instep as hard as I possibly could, causing Trey to cry out and loosen his grip…but it wasn’t enough as he screamed at me and held me tighter.

It did, however, free up my body some, so I took this moment to thrust my palm upward to his nose, driving the cartilage back into his sinuses. This time he did led go, groaning as his eyes teared up from the pain. “Fucking, bitch!” he screamed, his voice slightly nasal. He aimed a kick at my body, but I twisted his leg and then aimed a well-aimed punch to his abdomen. My Sim Fu training was kicking in.

“Try to touch me again!” I shrieked as he doubled over, kicking him hard in the back of the knee. He fell with a cry, pathetically gasping for breath. “I FUCKING DARE YOU TO ASSHOLE. TOUCH ME AGAIN!” I shrieked as I grabbed his sweater with one hand and punched him square in the jaw with the other.

“Bitch,” Trey gasped with pain. “Fucking. Bitch!” He tried to reach for me again, but I stomped on his hand and then aimed another kick at his stomach so hard that I heard something crack…and then Trey wasn’t moving.

I froze and stared down at him, the adrenaline in my body suddenly burned out. His eyes were blackened, his face bloody. He was lying in the fetal position, his body limp. “What have I done?” I whispered, tears coming unbidden to my eyes. I didn’t- I didn’t mean- “Oh god.” I willed myself to approach him, bending low to check him…and realized that he was still breathing, ever so slightly. Jesus.

With a shaking hand, I pulled out my phone, dialing 911. “It was self-defense,” was the first thing I choked out.

The words hung in the air unnaturally, echoing in my ears.

“It was self-defense.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 8 to come soon…..

Chapter 3.6: Like Fire

A/N: I didn’t intend it to be, but I think this chapter ended up being a little bit of a filler, since it sets up future events. The next chapter will be the complete opposite- promise! It requires a lot of set-up as far the shots go though, so it might be a while before that one comes out. Regardless, I hope you all enjoy this one! =)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Things weren’t getting any better with my life, despite my many attempts at attaining “inner peace.” For one, I was having a more difficult time of forgiving myself than I should have. For another, my attempt to forgive myself made me think of Jiang too much, and that drove me insane. I didn’t know what it was about him or why he even stood out in my mind so clearly, but there he always was, warm and comforting…and just not possible.

So I dealt with these frustrating emotions in the only way I knew how at this point…

But I shifted easily from relationship to relationship, nothing feeling right. Maybe I was just kind of asexual and that’s why I wasn’t interested in anyone. Was that even possible? Or maybe my head was just in such a bad place that I wasn’t in any shape for a relationship.

Regardless, none of them lasted very long, and eventually I just gave up.

After my extended stay in China, I again avoided going home by flying straight to Egypt—the place where I had begun feeling like myself again in the first place. I hoped the same would happen again…and in truth as soon as I felt the Egyptian sun upon my face and saw the shimmering haze of desert heat dance above that endless expanse of sand…I began to feel better.

Egypt offered many strange and exciting adventures to be had. I even got to go back to the same tomb that I had when I was a teenager to collect something called “flame fruit.” It seemed to thrive off the intense heat of the tomb, its very being glowing like embers jumping from a raging fire. They even felt warm to the touch.

After that it was general exploring as I collected gems and excavated old ruins, pocketing the treasures I found to put on display at home. I was already planning to build a basement to house them all, if my parents didn’t mind. Even though on our birthday our parents had told us the house was ours to do as we pleased with it as long as we lived there, I knew it was dad’s treasure.

I still ran errands for people too, plucking notices off the board at base camp and running all over Al Simhara to fulfill their requests. Unfortunately, not all of them were innocent little tasks to go collect copper or fetch a statue.

…one of them required that I break into the headquarters of an organization! Granted, it was an organization called MorcuCorp that was seeking to establish a black market in Al Simhara by exploiting its residents, but still….

I pushed the thoughts out of my mind though as I watched the house. It was clear that the hole in the wall probably had some secret switch, but there was no way I’d be able to get to it with the kids playing there….I’d have to wait until they left.

It wasn’t until really late that their parents called them back from the shed, but once they did I crept inside, hastily plunging my hand into the hole and yes, finding a tiny switch….

…which happened to reveal a hidden staircase. Jackpot.

I had to switch out their documents with fake ones, which was actually much easier than I would have thought. Unless it was all a trap….

Regardless, I called up Amen to let her know the job was done. Her response didn’t exactly make me happy though….

“Great! Okay, now hack their main computer!”

Seriously?!

I better be paid well for this.

And indeed I was, a large chunk of change being pressed into my hand as well as some gold coins once I reported back.

“I need you to fetch a relic for me now. …well, one of three to be frank.”

“Of course you do.”

“I’ll reward you handsomely.”

“I’d do it without the reward, to be honest,” I replied with a shrug. I glanced over at the woman’s son then. “What are you looking at?”

“The snake by our feet,” he whispered.

Shit.

“Venomous?” I asked, staying very still as I glanced down at the snake slithering around our feet.

“Extremely.”

“Welp, got to go!” I yelled, running off in one direction while the others ran off in theirs. Dangerous tombs I could deal with. Venomous snakes, not so much.

The next morning it was off to the Pyramid of the Sky, a hidden infrastructure tucked away in an oasis far from the center of the city.

Instead of being infused with heat and fire though, this tomb was cool, and wherever you went you heard the sound of trickling water, rushing like an underground stream…and I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was one nearby.

“Shit,” I muttered to myself as I realized the key I needed, as well as the entrances, were found across deep pools of water. I stared down into the glimmering, clear moat, but could not see the bottom. I also couldn’t see another way across.

Well…it was a good thing I’d decided to wear my bathing suit under this, having been sick of getting soaked all the time by dive wells.

“Geronimo!!!”

I had expected the water to be sub-freezing, but as soon as I was within its depths I realized that it was actually quite warm. Maybe it was because it was in the middle of a desert…or maybe there was some kind of hot spring that ran through here, but regardless, the water felt like a warm bath.

Strange.

Piece of cake.

After fetching everything I needed, I grabbed up my clothes from the side of the pool and put them back on, venturing into the depths of the tomb.

Of course…it didn’t look like any tomb I ever saw. It was…beautiful.

Golden sand carpeted its floors and an iridescent blue stream sparkled as fire from huge basins crackled in their containers. Huge cattails sprouted out from the water, fluffy and oddly still in this windless chamber. …a secret paradise built by the ancient gods and goddesses themselves.

Aw, hell no!

So much for a paradise!!

After I disarmed the many deadly traps that riddled the tomb, it became much more like a paradise again with its water plant life and walls painted a subtle, pale blue that reminded you of spring skies and May mornings.

I felt like I was in a trance as I explored, taking my time. I wondered briefly if it would be possible to live here.

I was so deep in thought and so absorbed by my surroundings that I very nearly died when my cell phone started ringing.

How the hell did I have service down here!?

“Hello…?” I answered uncertainly, feeling strange holding such an advanced piece of technology in such an ancient place.

“Tamara? Hi! It’s Jiang. I just thought I’d call to see…to see how you are. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you.” My heart twisted in my chest. For a moment, I couldn’t speak, but I quickly forced myself to regain my bearings.

“Hi!” I said, forcing a smile that he couldn’t see. “Wow. Um, I’m doing well. How about you?”

“Umm…been better, I guess,” he said in a weird voice. “What…what have you been up to lately?”

“Exploring. In fact, I’m in a tomb right now. I must be close to the surface though to have service….” I thought out loud.

“Tombs are mysterious places.”

“That’s why I love them. …….so…so why have you been better? Is everything okay?”

“Oh, well, yes. Um, Liu’s sick. My daughter.”

“Oh,” I responded, unable to say anything else. Why must you torture me so?

“It’s just a cold though. She’ll be-” Jiang was suddenly cut off though by someone else on his end who was asking him something in Chinese. A woman. He responded back in Chinese as well, which was odd to hear. Since he spoke such good English, I had almost forgotten that his native language was Mandarin. “Sorry. It’s my wife. She was wondering who I was talking to,” he explained, but then was cut off again when his wife spoke again, this time sounding annoyed. I was getting nervous.

“I can call you back a better time, if you want,” I supplied, noting that his wife didn’t seem to plan to stop talking.

“No, it’s fine. She does this. Hold on,” he said…which was then followed by a rush of muffled Chinese, like he was covering the mouthpiece of the phone. As if it mattered…I had NO idea what anyone was saying. I heard a shrill response, followed by a few words from Jiang, followed by straight up shrieking. What the hell was going on?

I opened my mouth to say something, but instead jumped when I heard the distinct sound of shattering glass. It had been so loud that I thought it was the tomb, but I realized half a second later that it was coming from the phone.

“Why do you always do this!?” Jiang snapped in English, clearly not to me. “Tiān ah!!” He added with a shout. That was actually one random phrase I did know. It was kind of like the equivalent to “oh my god.”

Oh my god, indeed.

“Erm…Jiang?” I asked hesitantly, wondering if he could even hear me what with the shouting and all.

“I’m sorry,” his voice came back, sounding strained. “Truly. She-She’s had a bad day.”

“I understand.”

“I’ll talk to you another time. Maybe…maybe you’ll come back to China someday.”

“Yeah. Maybe. Zàijiàn, Jiang.”

“Zàijiàn,Tamara.”

I hung up the phone hastily, my eyes starting to burn. It doesn’t mean anything, Tamara. You can’t let this string you along.

I couldn’t go back to China. Nor could I talk to Jiang again. Talking to him just made everything worse. With a sinking in my chest, I went into my phone’s contacts and deleted his number.

I couldn’t do this. Not today. Not ever.

I stared at the oasis around me, not seeing anything. …Its peace had been shattered…just like my world.

I was much less enthused at first as I continued to explore the tomb, but after awhile I grew too tired to even think. This pyramid was so massive that it was literally taking days to explore every corner.

More than once I had to set up my tent—a huge, fancy tabernacle that I’d bought off a merchant for a hefty sum of gold coins. It was worth it though, with its soft silks and warm interior. Despite the fact that it was just a tent, I always left it feeling as if I’d slept like a queen.

The next morning found me exploring a very peculiar room which had all sorts of weird plants in it. There was one which had flower that I could have sworn had the face of a skull, its petals a deep purple-red.

I had to have it of course, but as soon as I picked the strange flower, the plant shriveled up and died.

Even as brave as I typically was…this fact made me nervous.

There was another plant on the other side, with glowing fruits that looked like pears, only with strikingly white halos around them. I’d never seen anything like them before, so I collected some of those too. Luckily, this plant didn’t die on me though, successfully restoring some of my former courage.

I finished exploring the rest of the tomb quickly, successfully finding many more treasures, the relic the woman had been looking for, and even a strange little insect called a “crypt moth”…I guess for obvious reasons.

After spending days in the pyramid though, I was eager to get out, so my next trip was to the market—for one to restock on supplies, but also to meet up with some old friends that I’d met when I was a teen.

“Tamara! I didn’t recognize you,” the bookstore owner cried once I said who I was. “It’s a pleasure to see you again.”

“And you,” I admitted. I had always liked the bookstore owner, Farouk. He’d even given me a discount because he’d heard of my name. I guess my dad was more well-known than I’d thought.

“Forgive me, but…you’ve really grown into a beautiful young woman,” Farouk said after a time, his customers forgotten as we’d fallen easily into conversation. How long had it been?

“Thanks,” I said quietly, my cheeks burning. He was looking at me so intensely. Had he always been this close?

“I’m serious,” he said with a smile. “I’ve never seen anyone more beautiful,” he added softly, leaning toward me. I saw the gesture as if it was in slow motion, but my brain seemed to be moving in slow motion as well.

I should move back, I thought to myself.

But I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

He thought I was beautiful. And he was kind. And I was still alone. And at least he did make me feel warm. The other guys hadn’t even done that. Maybe…maybe, that was a sign?

Farouk pulled back when the kiss got more intense, an apologetic look on his face. “Sorry. It’s just-, you’re so-…forgive me, again.”

“There’s no reason to be sorry,” I found myself saying, as if on auto-pilot. “I…I,” I hesitated, my mind suddenly running way too quickly.

“Barring that, what is the next best thing?”

If I couldn’t have…I mean this would be….second best?

My mouth ran faster than my thoughts then as I heard myself whisper, “I have a tent set up not too far from here. Will you join me?”

And join me he did, amongst those silks and the stars and the silent spell of night.

And for once it didn’t feel wrong, but rather kind of….

Nice.

“Tamara!!! Oh my god, it’s been so long!” my mother cried when she saw me walk through the door, a sheepish smile on my face. She immediately pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, but I let her because I couldn’t blame her…it hadbeen a long time since I’d been home. So long that toward the end of my trip to Egypt I’d started to feel homesick…and so here I was now.

“You’re going to strangle her,” my dad said as he walked up, a huge smile on his face as well.

“Well, I should do that anyway for staying away for so long!” she replied, but she let go, simply standing back to smile at me. “You haven’t changed at all. Maybe a little more mature, but that’s about it.”

“You guys-”

“Are old now. You can say it,” Dad said with a smile, adjusting his glasses (those never changed).

“Ugh, no, don’t say it,” Mom said with distaste, clearly not as enthused about her growing age. She’d always been really preoccupied with her looks, so starting to look her age was probably pretty traumatizing for her. I thought she still looked beautiful though. She was the most beautiful person I knew.

“You’re still beautiful, Mom,” I said, deciding to voice what was on my mind. “Where’s Catherine?” I asked then, eager to see my twin.

“Right here!” Catherine said, ambling down the stairs. “It takes me a little longer now!” I looked up toward the sound of her voice and my eyes immediately widened, staring up at her in surprise.

“Y-y-you’re—”

“Growing to the size of a small seafaring vessel?”

“Pregnant!” My sister laughed as she stepped down the last of the stairs and pulled me into a hug. Her round stomach pressed lightly against my abdomen…a weird feeling to say the least. “Why…why didn’t you tell me?” I asked then, crestfallen. “And where’s Riley? Is he-”

“Yes, he’s the father,” Catherine said with another laugh. “My husband is upstairs reading Lynn a bedtime story. He says he wants practice,” she said with a smile. “And I didn’t tell you because you didn’t seem to want to hear from us.” Her smile faded now as she looked at me, not at all amused.

“Husband? Jesus! And that’s not true. I just…I didn’t have time to think. I…I have so much to tell you,” I said quietly, meeting her eyes. She looked at me for a long moment, her face a picture of annoyance, but after a moment her gaze softened. She never could stay mad for long—that part of her hadn’t changed a bit.

“Well, if you stick around, you can tell me everything,” Catherine said, not in a mean way.

“You can always talk to us too, if you want,” my mom joined in, looking concerned.

“Always,” Dad added, a comforting smile upon his face.

I looked at them for a long moment and then felt tears come unbidden to my eyes. Why had I stayed away from them for so long? They were clearly there for me and loved me no matter what, and what did I do? I practically ran away. All this time I’d been looking for peace…for someone to confide in…for someone to love me…but I had already had all that, right here in Neverglade.

As if to further prove that point, as soon as my tears fell, my family was holding me. They really had always been there for me.

That night I told my family everything. Everything. I even started way back when I first met him in high school, that good for nothing scumbag. We cried so much I was convinced we’d form a pond right there in our home, but we laughed as well, and for the first time since I’d been running, I felt really and truly happy.

Little did I know, however, how short-lived that happiness would be….

Chapter 3.5: Est-ce L’amour?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You know you’ve reached the city of Champs Les Sims when you see the glittering, turquoise sea sparkling outside the window of your plane, the light of the sun bouncing off each tiny wave like marbles tossed onto a hardwood floor…and that was exactly what I was seeing right now.

Champs Les Sims, France. The most romantic city of them all.

Of course, me being me, I wasn’t there for the romance. Hell, I wasn’t even there for its beauty.

I was there to explore…to discover…and to feel the thrill that comes with that which has previously been unseen.

For example, underground mazes filled with treasures and hidden things that can only be found by the cleverest and bravest of adventurers.

Not that I’m calling myself the cleverest nor even the bravest…but I did find my share of wonders….

“I found your baseball,” I told Jean once I came back, the man who had sent me to the tomb in the first place.

“Really? Oh, thank goodness! I thought I would never zee it again! I would ‘ave gone to get it myself, but I’m ‘opeless with tombs. Everything ends up scaring the shit out of me.”

“No problem,” I said with a smile. “I don’t get scared easily.”

“I admire that. A woman who eez both brave and beautiful…a dangerous mix, that is for sure.” I blushed, averting my gaze and suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. I opened my mouth to say goodbye, but Jean cut in before I could utter a sound.

“Say, you wouldn’t be interested in ‘aving dinner with me, would you? I would love to ‘ave your company.”

“Oh, um…”

“It would give me great pleasure.” My heart pounded and a nervous chill went through my veins that I couldn’t explain, even though I couldn’t see anything harmful about Jean at all.

“I’m sorry, I-…I’m really busy, actually,” I lied, my cheeks red with embarrassment and my legs eager to take off.

“Oh…” he said, sounding crestfallen. “Well, maybe anozer time, no?”

“Yeah, maybe,” I said quickly. “Um, au revoir!”

“Au revoir, chéri.”

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

My day from that point on was awkward as I suddenly became very aware of the fact that I was alone in the most romantic city in the world.

“I should have said yes,” I said quietly to myself as I poked at my cheese and fruit.

He had been handsome…kind…and definitely interested, so why had I turned him down? I sighed, trying to push my thoughts of regret out of my head and instead focus on my adventures to come.

I wasn’t here for the stupid romance; I was here for the adventure.

I just needed to remember that.

It was hard to keep that thought completely in mind though because Champs Les Sims was just too beautiful and too romantic. I couldn’t help but appreciate the calm of the night and the glow of the stars as the little French town settled down for the evening. It was, to be honest, sort of…magical.

Well, you know, except for the goddamn demon house I was sent to the following day. Oh, I know what you’re thinking: are you insane? That’s the most beautiful home I have ever seen in my entire life!!

Yes…it is beautiful. There was no doubt about that…but it was also a goddamn death trap!

Take the front door, for instance. If I hadn’t found that switch in the bushes, I would have been fried by two cleverly hidden traps that instantly smote anyone who got anywhere remotely near the door.

SOME WELCOME MAT.

The house was no better. After the discovery of the deadly welcome mat, I was paranoid about everywhere that I stepped and examined the floor for any sign of more surprises wherever I went.

It was an extremely tedious process that left me sore and paranoid….

AND I STILL GOT FUCKING ELECTROCUTED!

MORE THAN ONCE.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to be there long, because I found the stupid papers Miss Noelle wanted me to retrieve. You know, after turning on the stereo and uncovering two more PITS OF DEATH.

“I got the papers,” I said breathlessly upon my return, handing them over and getting ready to go look for a nice little adventure collecting copper pieces or something.

“I need you to go back,” Noelle said before I could move. “I think there’s more to this story than I previously thought and I know the answers are in that Chateau.”

Goddamn it.

I didn’t have to go back to that chateau once either. Noelle sent me back TWICE; once to explore the gamekeeper’s shed, and once to go back into the accursed mansion, where guess what happened?

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!”

Oh. My. Fucking. Plumbob.

I did at least get a little more skilled at finding the traps and disarming them, but that didn’t change the fact that I probably had irreversible brain damage at this point, and some of the traps couldn’t even be disarmed!

With these I had to sneak across, and let me tell you, there is no greater feeling that outsmarting one of those shitty ass traps.

“I am a golden god.” >:[

Seriously though, there was only ONE nice thing about the damned place….

It did have really comfy beds.

After escaping from the chateau from hell, I gave Noelle her papers, and promptly skipped off before she could say a word, pocketing my cash and practically running. I could hear her laughing, but it wasn’t a mean laugh. At least she realized how awful that house had been.

I headed straight back to base camp, where I took a long nap, and then a scalding shower, attempting to relax my aching body. Even after that I only really had one thought in mind though: “Damn, I could really use a drink.” Besides, I hadn’t even seen the Nectary yet, and the one here was world renowned for having some of the best nectars you could possibly buy.

So off to the Nectary I went to sample as many different nectars as I possibly could, which were basically really sweet wines.

They were AWESOME, but the downside of them being so dang sweet was that you basically downed them like candy, not realizing how much alcohol was actually in them.

But as I thought about turning that guy down again and how I was alone and how Catherine had Riley and they’d probably be getting engaged any day now and Daniel recently got married to Georgia and Mom had Dad and Jiang had his wife and goddamn it I hate that he had a wife but I don’t even know why and god this nectar tastes so fucking good that I just don’t care…..I don’t, I don’t.

And not caring just felt so good….

It felt like warm and sweet and happy and fuck you Jiang and happiness. So, so good….

And I didn’t have to be alone, no I didn’t. Guys wanted me I knew but I didn’t want them because they’re goddamn bastards but I do, I do because I feel so warm and I feel so NOT alone….

“Chéri, would you like to go upstairs?”

“Upstairs?”

“Oui. We will ‘ave more privacy.”

This is wrong. This is too far, but I’m nodding and he’s smiling and his hand is around my waist and why am I walking up these stairs his touch feels nice….

“Do not be afraid, mon chéri. I will take care of you.”

“I’m never afraid.”

Never, ever, ever….

Ever.

What have I done?

“Tamara, you were supposed to be back by now! Are you okay?”

“Yes,” I mumbled into the phone. “I just…I just decided to extend my trip. I’m back in China now.”

“China?!”

“Yeah, Shang Simla.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it’s peaceful? What the hell does it matter to you? Look, I’m fine, Catherine,” I snapped bitterly, suddenly dying to get off the phone.

“You’re going to miss Mom and Dad’s birthday!” she cried, clearly trying to guilt me into coming home at this point.

“So? They’ll get over it. They want to do something with just the two of them anyway. They won’t miss me.”

“Sure they will! In fact, we all miss you now. I can’t even remember the last time you were home, it’s been far too—”

“I know. Look, I won’t be much longer, okay? Maybe a week or so. Just know that I’m FINE! God.”

“You must think I’m stupid, Tamara. You are NOT fine. I can tell when you’re NOT fine and right now you’re definitely NOT—”

I sighed and hung up my phone, successfully cutting Catherine off mid-sentence. I felt kind of bad about it, but I needed to do it. She was driving me nuts. I was fine and that was that. Just because I ran off to China directly after my trip to France didn’t mean I wasn’t fine!!

But why China, you may be asking?

Sim Fu.

….no, I’m not kidding.

After making one of the most stupid goddamn mistakes in my entire existence, there was nothing I wanted to do more than beat the shit out of a wooden dummy. I was even getting better at it too.

I think André’s words that morning when I woke up were the true source for my inspiration: “Mmmm, Chéri, you were a much better lay than my wife ‘as evar been.”

GODDAMNITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT I HATE MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With a strangled shout, I whacked the dummy so hard that I heard a crack in my hand and cried out again, this time in pain.

“Fuck!” I hissed, cradling my hand against my chest. Hot tears welled up in my eyes, but it wasn’t because I had pretty much just broken my hand.

No. It was because I was a fucking idiot.

I hadn’t loved André. I had barely even known André…and yet I gave him one of the greatest gifts you could ever give someone you loved.

Ohh goddamn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

………..

……

….I was a golden piece of shit.

After realizing my hand was actually seriously hurt, I had to go to the market to look for something to wrap it. And well, I suppose you can guess who I saw there, even though I was hoping he worked elsewhere now.

“Tamara! It is good to see you again. It’s been awhile,” Jiang cried as soon as I walked into the store.

Goddamn it again.

“Hi,” I said quietly, averting his gaze. Somehow, seeing him made me feel even more stupid about what happened in France. “Um…do you have anything to wrap a hand in place? I hurt it,” I mumbled, feeling yet again more stupid.

“Oh? Here, let me see it…”

Before I could say anything, Jiang gently took my hand in his…an act that made my heart jump up into my throat as I jerked my hand away, panicking for no goddamn reason. UGH!

“Sorry. It- it just hurts,” I quickly said to explain my actions, nothing the confused look on Jiang’s face. His cheeks pinked slightly and he averted his gaze now, hastily taking his hand back.

“I apologize as well. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I…I think it just needs some ice. A sprain. Let me get something.” I watched as he hurriedly walked away, my heart still beating fast. For some reason, all I felt like doing now was crying.

“Well, I can’t seem to find any ice packs,” Jiang said as he came back into the main room a few moments later. “I’m afraid that–”

But his words were cut off by none other than myself as I let out a particularly loud sob. Oh, my god. Could things possibly get any worse?

“The store next door might have some!” Jiang said hurriedly, looking at me in alarm. “I-”

“It’s not that,” I cried through my tears, covering my face to hide my embarrassment. “I just…I just…everything is shit!” The room was quiet for a long moment save for my spastic, hiccough-y sobs until Jiang spoke again, almost hesitantly.

“What happened?” He asked it in a way that made me think he was afraid to know and he stood away from me, looking uncomfortable and unsure. I couldn’t blame him. We barely knew each other and here I was bawling like a baby in his store and scaring off any potential customers he might have.

I wanted to answer, but I was too ashamed. My story didn’t deserve any sympathy. The truth was, I had been stupid, got drunk, and then, depressed, lonely, and with one too many nectars in my system, I got into bed with the first guy who gave me the time of day. How fucking pathetic. So, I merely shook my head, trying to take deep breaths to calm myself, but failing miserably.

It was then that I felt Jiang’s hand on my back, his touch gentle and sympathetic. “Are you okay?” he asked, his voice full of concern now and bearing no trace of his previous uncertainty.

“I did something really stupid,” I whispered, unable to look at him.

“We all do stupid things.”

“Mine was really, really stupid.”

“We all do really, really stupid things too.”

“I was in France and feeling depressed, so I got drunk and gave my virginity to the first guy who seemed willing, just because he seemed sweet and I was lonely. Oh, and he turned out to have a wife.”

Jiang stiffened beside me and was quiet for so long that I finally just had to chance a glance at his face. He looked neither angry nor shocked like I had expected him to be, nor even disgusted, but rather…torn. Conflicted. Maybe even upset. I couldn’t make any sense of it, and for a moment I feared that I had offended him, having spoken so bluntly. After all, this was a different culture and…oh god I probably totally offended him!

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly, hastily wiping away my tears. “That was…that was inappropriate. I-I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No,” Jiang said hastily, realizing he had been quiet for too long. “It’s fine. Come, let’s go outside.”

“Out…outside?”

“Yes. It’s nicer out there.”

“Okay….” I said slowly, feeling as confused as ever. I had just confessed this horrible thing that I did, and now Jiang was asking to hang out outside? What?

Completely nonplussed, I shuffled out of the store, Jiang following behind. He then took a seat on the smooth stone of the market, gesturing for me to sit as well. At that point I was so lost that I just did it unquestioningly, sitting beside him in a daze.

“I thought you could use some fresh air,” Jiang said quietly after a moment, his gaze trained up at the stars.

“I do kind of feel better,” I whispered, staring up at the stars as well. And I did. Kind of. Mostly because the only emotion I was capable of feeling right now was confusion.

“Tamara?”

“Hmmm?”

“We all make mistakes. We’re human.”

“I’m not sure that makes me feel better about it though. I mean, you can say we all die, but that doesn’t make me feel better about dying,” I said, glancing over at Jiang. A smile pulled at his lips, his eyes moving to another part of the sky.

“Then I’ll say that there are no mistakes…only lessons.”

“Now I just feel like a child….”

“There’s no pleasing you, is there?” Jiang asked with a laugh then, his eyes meeting mine as he finally turned my way. They were a warm, liquid brown, shimmering in the light of the moon. They made me feel safe.

“I did a really stupid thing,” I said, looking away. Beside me, I felt Jiang turn his head too, his shoulder brushing against mine.

“You have to learn from doing stupid things. ….and you have to forgive yourself. That’s the most important thing.”

“It’s also easier said than done.”

“Whoever said important things were easy? Tamara…we can’t change the past, but we can change the future. What we do now draws our destiny, and with every decision we make, every action that we do, everything that we say, this drawing changes. Sometimes, we do things that change that drawing in ways we don’t like, but the drawing continues to shift after that point. We can still alter it, no matter how distorted it gets. The only exception to this is death.”

“I wish I could change the past,” I whispered, my eyes hot with tears again.

“But you can’t. So, barring that, what is the next best thing?”

“I don’t know….”

“What did you come here for?”

“Well, I hurt my hand while doing Sim-”

“No, I mean why did you come to China again?”

“Oh. I…I needed to get away. I…I couldn’t face my family. I needed to figure things out. I needed—”

“Peace.”

“Yes.”

“So that is the second best thing.”

“I suppose…but how–?”

“I can’t tell you how to find peace, but I can say that this is what you will need to discover. That is what you need to do now and it will be hard, but…well, life is hard, right?”

“Right,” I said softly. We were both quiet a long moment before I sat up, turning toward Jiang. “Hey Jiang?”

“Hmm?” he asked, sitting up as well.

“Thank you,” I whispered, placing my hand gently over his. Jiang looked for a moment like he was going to move his hand, but he instead looked up at me, giving me a half-smile.

“You’re welcome,” he replied simply.

“How did you get to be so wise, anyway?” I asked, a smile pulling at my own lips now.

“You honor me,” Jiang replied humbly. “I think it’s just…” he paused a moment, averting his gaze. “I think it happens when you have children. Puts things into perspective.”

“You have children?” I asked, my chest suddenly feeling like someone was sitting on it.

“Two,” he answered, glancing at me uncertainly. I made my face blank, mentally admonishing myself for caring about something that didn’t matter. “They teach me a lot,” he finally added with a small smile.

I returned his smile, but inside I was growing increasingly more upset, my chest feeling more and more constricted because his hand was so warm and he was so calm and nice and wonderful to be around and goddamnit because I knew then that my peace would never, ever be found in China.

Because sometimes…no matter how much you wanted it…

You never will get what you want.