Chapter 5.19: Whisper

A/N: Hello, everyone! Before we begin I have a few quick updates to share: 1.) I made a static Home Page (is this preferable?); 2.) I rewrote my woefully outdated About Page; 3.) I redid my Chapters Page with brand new character cards; 4.) The Family Tree is fully up-to-date; 5.) I added lots of Bonus Photos to my Simblr; and 6.) I answered some “Asks” on my Simblr about Kira, James, and Gabriel, so if you’d like to learn more about them, click the link and it’ll take you to those posts. On that note, if you’d like to know more about anyone else, feel free to send me a request either here or there and I’d be more than happy to write some bonus facts for them too.

Whew! Well, that’s it for the barrage of links and announcements, so let’s get started. The song for this chapter is “Whisper” by A Fine Frenzy.

As always, comments are highly welcomed and greatly appreciated ❤

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Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage—
Getting nowhere, but I’m trying

Not Pregnant.

The words were displayed in dark, bold lettering that left zero questions as to their meaning. No ambiguous symbols providing an extra second of hope to cling to—only inarguable clarity.

Still, I stared at the simple phrase for far longer than necessary, experiencing a mixture of emotions that swelled up within me and then fell away. The first wave that crested above the surface was the feeling of surprise. Although there admittedly hadn’t been any actual signs, I’d thought that surely, after a honeymoon the likes of that….

Not Pregnant.

Then again, maybe not. A drop of disappointment fell into my heart, causing ripples to widen and spread throughout my body.

I felt stupid for feeling it. It’d only been six months since I’d stopped taking the pill and even though some couples conceived right away, it was much more likely for it to take up to a year, or even more.

Not Pregnant.

I walked over to the trash can, tossing the plastic stick inside and then wincing at the dull thump it made upon hitting the bottom. Grabbing some tissues from the small box on the bathroom counter, I crumbled them up and tossed them in too, concealing the test from view.

It had been silly to check.

* * * * *

Forging ahead
But I’m stuck in the bed
That I made, so I’m lying

Summer was rapidly giving in to fall. The nights had become colder; so chilly that it began to linger into the days, causing the first acceptant residents of Starlight Shores to don jackets and the occasional beanie. Much less stubborn, the leaves on deciduous trees began to shift into a multicolored array of reds, oranges, and yellows that snapped off their branches with barely a sound and began to cover the browning grass.

I stared up through the canopy of burnt orange and yellow leaves above me and Gabriel. I could just make out the sky through their gaps—lavender and alit with the pale glow of the sun. It was chilly today, but not as cold as it had been of late. A good day to enjoy the outdoors while we still could. A good day to relax before we embarked on yet another whirlwind trip.

“For the first time, I’m not excited about going to Bridgeport,” I quietly confided.

We would be gone for an entire month to not only film a music video for our new single, but also to guest star on a well-known late night talk show and perform three sold out concerts. I should have felt excited, I knew, but the feeling had not yet graced me with its presence. Perhaps it would once we were there. Or at least, I hoped that it would.

“How come?” Gabriel asked.

I absently ran my fingers over my stomach before answering, remembering the second wave of disappointment that had crashed over me this morning when I’d woken up with cramps and discovered that I’d once again started my monthly—once again, not pregnant. I resisted the urge to curl into a ball, instead shrugging and mumbling, “No particular reason.”

A squirrel darted along the branches of the tree we lay underneath, showering leaves upon us. I brushed them away from my face, managing a laugh when Gabriel cursed and rubbed his head where an acorn had fallen and struck him. He scowled up at the twitchy, furry creature.

“I swear it did that on purpose,” he muttered darkly, and then narrowed his eyes at the squirrel as it made a chittering sound and crossed into the branches of an adjoining tree with a rustle. I watched it go until it scurried out of sight.

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

Gabriel turned his head, his beautiful autumn eyes meeting mine in concern. My heart skipped a beat, my cheeks turning a little pink. The squirrel was clearly not enough to distract him from my less than satisfactory response.

“I love you,” I whispered before he could say anything, moving my hand to run my fingers through the soft, chestnut locks of his unkempt hair.

His expression softened even further. “I love you too.” He looked at me for another moment, seeming to be considering his next words, but then he reached out instead, removing a yellow leaf from my mussed up hair.

“Thanks,” I murmured.

He nodded a little, briefly glancing at the leaf in his hand before his eyes returned to mine, his forehead creased with lines as his brow furrowed once more with uncertainty. “I’m….” He hesitated, and then said, very quietly, “I’m sorry that you’re not pregnant yet.”

I opened my mouth to respond, but found all the words that I might have wanted to say scattered in a haphazard jumble on the surface of my tongue. My skin flushed as I grew steadily more flustered.

Gabriel sighed, tossing the leaf into the grass and then sitting up. He leaned back on his arm, one leg bent and the other stretched out before him as he gazed ahead at no specific point. He reached up to tousle his hair.

“Look I…I know you don’t want to talk about it. I know that you’d rather go on pretending that this…that this elephant isn’t constantly standing in the room with us, but I’m not like you. I can’t ignore it. Not when it’s staring me right in the face.”

I’m down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill

I sat up too, hugging my knees to my chest and avoiding looking at him at all costs. It felt as though my rib cage was pressing in on my lungs. I took in a shaky breath, but still had not regained the ability to speak. What was there to say, after all? Gabriel and I wanted a baby and we’d been trying, but I wasn’t pregnant yet, so we clearly needed to keep trying. There was nothing more to say beyond that and even that felt entirely redundant—like informing a person in a desert that it wasn’t raining.

“I’m sorry,” I heard him whisper again.

I forced myself to look at him. “It’s not your fault.”

He shrugged his shoulders and then flatly asked, “Isn’t it though?”

“No,” I said firmly, and then stood up, beginning to feel frustrated as I impatiently brushed bits of leaves and grass off of my dress. “You know what?” I began a bit more harshly than I’d intended, “You were right: I don’t want to talk about this.”

“We need to talk about it.”

“You need to talk about it!” I corrected with a snap, folding my arms tightly across my chest. “I don’t, so don’t you think it’s a little selfish to force this conversation on me when I obviously don’t want to have it?”

Gabriel looked up at me with complete incredulity, which somehow made me feel even more irritated. “Selfish?” he asked faintly, and then louder, “Selfish? Joanne, I’ve been avoiding this fucking subject for seven months all because you don’t want to talk about it. How the hell is it selfish of me to want to bring it up now? How the hell is it selfish to want to share with my wife what’s been on my mind? Or would you rather we continue tiptoeing like morons across eggshells we fucking threw on the ground ourselves?”

“You’re really on a metaphor kick, aren’t you?” I asked bitterly, unfolding my arms.

“What the fuck?” Gabriel growled, finally standing up too and balling his hands into fists. “Do you even hear the words that come out of your mouth?”

“Just as clearly as I hear the ones coming out of yours and yours sound like, ‘blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!’”

Gabriel raised both of his eyebrows high and then scoffed. “Yeah, I’m not doing this.”

“Doing what?” I retorted with a stomp of my boot.

“Arguing with a goddamn child!”

Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me…still?

The words were spoken in a fierce hiss, causing my anger to leave me so quickly that its sudden absence had me feeling as though the ground had disappeared beneath my feet. I froze in place, feeling my throat tighten as my eyes began to burn. “I—I didn’t…I just—I just—”

“Oh don’t fucking pull this bullshit with me, Joanne. Don’t fucking come at me all high and mighty and then start crying the split second you—”

“Don’t talk to me like—”

“Well what choice do I have when I’m talking perfectly fucking normal to you and then you go and—”

Eager to please
Trying to be what they need

“I’M SCARED, OKAY!?” I shouted over him, hot tears spilling onto my cheeks. “I don’t want to talk about this because I’m scared! I’m scared that—that there’s something wrong with me and I’m trying not to think that because I know it can take couples upwards of a year or more to have a baby, but with every month I’m fucking bleeding again and with every fucking negative test result I get more and more SCARED. God!” I finished, and then just cried, not caring if Gabriel yelled at me again and not caring how ridiculous I sounded.

It was like all the disappointment and fears of the past seven months finally managed to drag me into their depths and all I could do was wait until they tired of me and released their horrible grip.

But I’m so very tired

For a long expanse of time my husband was silent.

I was too afraid to look at him, so I had no idea what the expression on his face looked like or what he was even doing. All I heard was my own sobs, my body trembling with sudden fear that I’d angered him on some deep level that he would never forgive.

I had been childish. I shouldn’t have reacted like that; shouldn’t have mocked him; shouldn’t have been so awful, so rude. What was wrong with me?

“I’m sorry,” I cried, feeling more frightened than ever as I looked up to see Gabriel pinching the bridge of his nose, his face skyward as if praying for patience. “I’m so sorry….I’m—I’m incredibly stupid. I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

My anxiety rose exponentially the longer Gabriel remained silent. I tentatively reached out to touch his side. He stopped pinching his nose, but didn’t pull away, so I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his chest as apologies continued to fall from my lips and tears continued to fall from my eyes.

Slowly, his arms came to wrap around me, pulling me closer as he briefly pressed his lips to the side of my head. The gesture made me cry anew, relief flooding my veins as I tiptoed to wrap my arms around his neck and hid my face in his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered once more.

“I’m sorry too,” he said, his voice hushed. “And….And I’m also scared. That’s what I was trying to tell you, Joanne. I’m afraid that…that this is all my fault.”

“I don’t understand,” I admitted, taking a slight step back and trying not to get worked up again. “Why would it be your fault?”

“Because my parents had similar difficulties, remember?” Gabriel asked, raising an eyebrow at me. “Their doctor even informed them that they were unable to have children and it was only by some supreme luck, or…or some fuckin’ miracle or something that I even exist. My grandparents too had always wanted a large family, but they only managed to have my mother, so what if it’s genetic?”

He let go of me, averting his gaze. “Plus Daisy….I mean, if I’m completely frank we weren’t always the most careful even before we’d officially decided to try and she never once got pregnant, so lately it all has me thinking that maybe…maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

“It’s only been seven months,” I mumbled. It was the reminder that I’d consistently been replaying in my mind.

“Yes, I know,” Gabriel acceded, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “But it’s like you said—with each passing month I start considering the possibility more and more.”

I averted my gaze, absently rubbing my arm. I really did hate talking about this, but I needed to force myself to do so…for both our sakes. “I’ve…I’ve been thinking that…that maybe it was my fault too,” I admitted.

“I’ve been thinking that it was my fault because I realized that I went on the birth control in the first place after Brandon…after….I just—I mean I got lucky that I hadn’t gotten pregnant from…from that,” I barely managed to utter, my hands shaking, “and…and I was terrified that if it ever happened again, maybe I wouldn’t be as lucky, so I went on the pill. What if it hadn’t been luck though, you know? I keep thinking: What if I hadn’t gotten pregnant because there’s actually something wrong…with me?”

“I know it’s unlikely,” I hastened to add, “but I…but I can’t help wondering.”

Gabriel cleared his throat, looking a little agitated by the mention of Brandon. He kicked at a stick by his sneaker before mumbling, “Right.”

And I’ve stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires

A chilly gust of wind shook the branches of every tree around us, the faded grass rippling. I hunched my shoulders, my gaze still directed at our shoes.

I didn’t want to say what I was about to because I didn’t want to think that anything was actually wrong with either of us, but again I knew I had to, so I took a quick breath and then reluctantly said, “I suppose if we keep being…unsuccessful we’ll go and—go and get this checked out.”

“Okay,” Gabriel agreed with a slight nod, and then hesitated for only a brief moment before he closed the space between us and gently lifted my gaze to his. “And could we please not return to silence on this subject?” he requested, his gaze imploring. “I can’t stand it.”

I held onto him, blinking back tears as I nodded. “Okay,” I whispered. “Okay.”

* * * * *

But if you keep real close

Gabriel always took the most terrifying route possible to get to Bridgeport—straight through the craggy mountains that divided Starlight Shores from the overpopulated city. The rocky pass did cut about two hours off the drive, but sometimes, when the car looked as if it were about to topple off a fifty-foot precipice, I wished that we had taken the longer course.

To distract myself from the oft alarming views, I typically talked the entire trip, but today our conversations felt stilted and eventually they’d simply devolved into silence that Gabriel mercifully filled by hooking up his phone to the car stereo and playing music instead.

His playlists consisted of a lot of alternative and punk rock—primarily Brand New and Rise Against, but there was a scattering of music from other artists as well: Bloc Party, The Cinematics, Friendly Fires, The Editors, and Metric, to name a few. Sometimes it gave me a headache and I’d hook up my phone instead, but other times I enjoyed the angst-ridden chords. Mostly though, I liked that when Gabriel got lost in his own world, he would sing along—absently at first, and then more passionately. His voice remarkably matched the lead singer of Rise Against, though when he sang softly I thought he sounded more like the lead singer of Brand New.

These were the vague musings that ran through my head as Gabriel quietly sang, his attention fixed on the ridiculously planned-out roads before us, though I occasionally felt his gaze flicker my way. The random thoughts were welcome distractions from both the journey and my continued apprehensions.

“Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty face–the kind you’d find on someone I could save.”

I leaned my head against the cool glass of the window, listening to Gabriel’s lilting tones, until gradually, I fell fast asleep.

Yeah, you stay real close

When I woke up the mountains had receded into rolling hills of faded green and pine trees, a sign that we were only about a half an hour away.

“Hey,” Gabriel greeted, noting that I was awake.

“Hey,” I said in return, and then rubbed a crick in my neck, wincing slightly as I stretched the tensed muscles.

“You okay?”

“Yes.”

I stared out the window, looking for the first glimpses of the towering skyscrapers defining the city of Bridgeport. Another song had begun to play on the stereo—punctuated guitar sounds steadily growing more melodic, and then Tim McIlrath’s voice sounding unusually soft…and Gabriel’s too as he sang along, slowly and rhythmically tapping on the steering wheel as he drove. “Roadside” by Rise Against—I recognized the song well, so when Emily Schambra’s vocals joined in, I did too, shyly at first because I didn’t want to sound stupid, but then more assuredly as I allowed the music to wash away my worries.

Our voices stepped around each other; took hesitant steps forward and then three steps back; raced ahead; leapt; danced; swirled like drops of colored dye in white paint, separately at first, but then joining together as something wholly new and beautiful.

As the song came to an end, I held out my hand and Gabriel took it, his fingers intertwining with mine and causing warmth to spread from my fingers and into my heart. I smiled at him and he smiled back, and somehow, even though nothing had changed, like crumbled pieces of paper we were carefully unfurled and pressed smooth once again.

I will reach you

* * * * *

I’m down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill

While I’d originally been dreading our extended stay in bustling Bridgeport, it turned out to be a saving grace as our packed schedule served as a particularly effective distraction.

Filming the music video kept Gabriel and I especially busy as we’d be summoned to the studio and other various locations every day at daybreak, sometimes not stopping until the sun had completed its rounds and begun to settle down to rest. As such, the process was exhausting and at times even frustrating, but I had to admit that it was also fun and though the final product had yet to be edited and finalized, from what I saw of it, it was shaping out to be quite beautiful.

Our interview on Bridgeport Never Sleeps was enjoyable too as we discussed our new single, married life, and how we were in the developing stages of piecing together a second album. The only downside was that the interviewer also asked about the possibility of children, and I admit I’d frozen up a bit before Gabriel came to my rescue, succinctly stating that “When it happens, it happens.” Perhaps it was his unmistakably conclusive tone, or perhaps it was my uncharacteristic silence, but fortunately the interviewer had chosen to move on from there.

Still, I wished the topic hadn’t been broached at all as I could already envision all the nasty rumors the tabloids would explode with once it aired. Not to mention it was painful enough discussing it with Gabriel, let alone on national television.

As always though, our performances in Bridgeport were by far my favorite part, for it was in those moments that I felt completely free and uninhibited. I could belt out my sorrows, my frustrations, and my joys without any worry as to how they would be received. I could fly and let it all fall away while at the same time experiencing every emotion as keenly as ever.

It was in those moments that I also felt closest to Gabriel; in those moments where I fell ever more deeply in love with him; and in those moments when I could let him know, without a single hesitation to hold me back, exactly how I felt…while he, in turn, did the same for me.

After those concerts, when we returned to our room in Dante and Sammy’s flat, Gabriel and I would gravitate toward one another seamlessly, our lips meeting in careful kisses that grew steadily more impassioned as we’d answer each other’s silent queries with soft sighs and fevered touches. Then, burning, we’d sink into tangled sheets and surrender ourselves to the other completely.

And always, always I thought to myself: Maybe this time. Maybe this time….

* * * * *

Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me?

“Mmm, I like how that sounds, but maybe bring it down half an octave?”

“Like this?” Gabriel asked, propping his guitar back up and then repeating the opening measures with the variation that I’d requested.

“Yes, just like that. And then I could come in with the piano like—” I hummed out the beginnings of a complementary melody, my fingers moving across the sofa as if it were my keyboard.

“Yeah, I get you. And then: Can’t you hear the words within my words?” he quietly sang.

“This veil is sheer, my voice so loud,” I sang back.

“Yet I am left alone with secrets.”

“Despite this ache to divulge them.”

We glanced at one another and then I laid my head against his shoulder, pleased with the measures, but also finding my mind gradually shifting focus.

Can you hear me…still?

“It’s funny,” I began in a mumble, absently tracing the patterns on the surface of Gabriel’s guitar, “I rarely ever thought of having children before, but now that we’re trying and it isn’t happening as soon as I’d believed it would, it’s all that I can think about.”

“What do you think of?”

My face warmed a little. “Um, well, I…I guess I think of…umm…what they might look like? I start wondering whether they’d have your eyes or…or my nose. Mostly though I find myself daydreaming about it. I imagine…holding our baby or…or I don’t know,” I finished abruptly, biting my lip and hating the fact that a lump was already forming in my throat.

“I hope he or she gets your eyes,” he said softly, running his hand along the taut guitar strings beneath his fingertips. “Your eyes are beautiful.”

I felt my cheeks grow steadily rosier. “I…I hope they get your smile. Your smile is like…like the warm sun on your face or…or hot cocoa in the winter!”

Gabriel laughed, shaking his head a little. “I love you so much, Joanne.”

Warmth blossomed in my chest and I took the guitar from Gabriel’s hands before carefully setting it down by our feet. “I love you too,” I said in return, and then leaned forward to kiss him, feeling my heart leap as soon my lips met the softness of his.

“Ugh, really guys?” Dante’s voice suddenly came from the direction of the doorway, and I pulled away, blushing hard even though it’d been a perfectly innocent kiss.

“You’re so heartless,” Sammy said, her smile disappearing from her lips. “That was incredibly adorable!”

Dante hastily doubled-back. “Uh…er…well I guess it’s…kind of cute. Glad they’re uh…happy anyway,” he amended awkwardly.

Sammy gave him a funny look and Dante pulled out his phone to check it even though I was fairly certain it had neither rung nor vibrated. The two stayed in this strange limbo, as they often did ever since the wedding, and might have remained trapped within it had Gabriel not loudly cleared his throat.

“Were you looking for us?” he asked once they both glanced at him questioningly.

“Oh! Yes, we were actually!” Sammy seemed to realize, giving a little hop in place. “I know it’ll extend your stay in Bridgeport by a couple days, but we’ve been invited to the Halloween party Bridgeport Music Group is throwing and of course I had to accept. I’ve decided we’re all going to wear steampunk costumes!”

“Nice—I love having my freedom of choice taken from me,” Gabriel replied pleasantly, and I covered my mouth to suppress a giggle.

“Aw,” she lamented, clasping her hands in front of her. “It’ll be fun, Gaby Baby!”

“The hell?” Gabriel retorted while Dante started cracking up. “I told you never to call me that.”

“Gaby Baby!”

“I like you less now.”

“May I call you Gaby Baby?” I playfully teased, and Gabriel groaned, dropping his head into his hands as if even this joking request had caused him great suffering.

“I’ll tell you what—come to this party and wear the costume I bought you and not a single one of us will ever call you that again,” Sammy bargained with a smirk, her forest-green eyes sparkling.

Gabriel looked up, raising an eyebrow at her. “I seem to recall you making a similar promise to me back in high school.”

“That one expired. This is the renewal contract.”

“It might not be so bad,” I chimed in, taking note of the irritated expression on his face; and then added in a murmur so Dante and Sammy couldn’t hear, “We could get our mind off things.”

He glanced at me, his features softening once again, and then he sighed heavily, meeting his friend’s already smiling eyes as he grumbled, “Yes, alright, but I probably would have agreed even if you hadn’t blackmailed me.”

Sammy giggled. “I know—but where would have been the fun in that?”

* * * * *

The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting

“HAPPY HALLOWEEN!”

The evening of Bridgeport Music Group’s Halloween party was brisk and cloudless, the moon shining high and casting a ghostly, silvery light upon our faces. The air smelled like pumpkin spice and “spooky-themed” music blared from speakers all over the lawn.

While I had expected a fancy get-together in a high-class lounge, it turned out the tastes of Bridgeport Music Group were a lot more casual, or perhaps there were just that many guests invited because instead of hosting it on the 13^th floor of some luxury skyscraper, they’d rented out the entire city park, upon which they’d set-up a sprawling dance floor, tin troughs filled with gallons of water and apples, booths with every fall treat imaginable, a haunted house, and even a pumpkin patch. There were also numerous stands where you could order specialty drinks that had fun Halloween names like “Black Cat,” “Devil’s Punch,” “Peaches and Scream,” and “Vampire’s Kiss.”

I debated ordering an adorable, bright orange drink with a pumpkin-topper that was called “Jack O’ Lantern,” but ultimately decided to get a non-alcoholic drink instead called “Shirley’s Tombstone,” just in case. After all, according to the calendar I’d now been keeping, last week should have been ideal for conceiving.

I’m down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill

“Aw, this came out so nice!” Sammy gushed, checking out the photo we’d taken. I peered over her shoulder and then laughed at the sight.

“Nice face, love,” I said with a wink in my husband’s direction.

“I don’t know, yours could really give me a run for my money,” Gabriel pointed out.

I giggled. “You know, I think the steampunk look really suits you.”

“Heh, you think so? I do kind of like this coat….”

“It’s the hat that pulls it all together though…or perhaps it’s your lovely, handsome face that does that.”

“You do have a lovely face,” Ryan chimed in with mock seriousness, and Gabriel went to punch his arm, causing his friend to let out a yelp and jump back…right into a man dressed up as some sort of bovine-plant hybrid creature.

“Cake?” the man offered, holding out a plate to him.

“Uhh, no thanks,” Ryan answered, slowly edging away from him while Gabriel doubled-over with mirth, nearly losing his hat in the process.

“Suit yourself,” the strange man responded, and then went up to a woman dressed up like a mermaid and offered her the cake instead. We all watched bemusedly as the woman smiled and gratefully accepted the cake, only then to watch him LUNGE AT HER AND PRETEND TO EAT HER!!!!!!! OH MY GOD—WHAT!? She screamed and ducked while we exchanged wide-eyed looks of pure horror.

“What the hell is this shit?!” Dante exclaimed, scrambling still more away from the bovine lunatic.

“Good thing I said ‘no,’” Ryan stated, aghast, and then we all looked at one another again and promptly started cracking up, even more so when an older woman dressed up as a mad scientist dashed over to the cow-plant man and smacked him over the head shouting, “Bad experiment!”

“Man I love Halloween,” Sammy sighed, wiping away tears of laughter, and then abruptly shouted, “BOO!” at a blonde dressed as a police officer who’d been not-so-surreptitiously checking her out. The man hurried away, and then we were laughing all over again.

“Dumb bastard,” Dante remarked, puffing himself up a bit, to which Sammy snorted in disbelief.

“Oh come on, how many women have you ogled in exactly the same way?”

“Nowadays? Only one,” he smoothly replied, and then tipped his hat off to her with a wink.

Her cheeks reddened and she mumbled something about getting another drink before hastily disappearing into the crowd.

“Too strong, man,” Ryan said as soon as she was far enough not to overhear.

“About as subtle as a gunshot,” Gabriel added solemnly, placing his hand over his heart.

Shut down to a whisper

“Ugh, damn it,” Dante groaned, rubbing his temples. “I swear, guys—she’s so confusing! One minute she’s all ‘you look so cute I could kiss you,’ and the next she runs away from me! What the fuck’s a guy to do?”

“Masturbate?” Ryan suggested, which caused me to start choking on nothing, coughing until my eyes watered. Gabriel scowled and elbowed his friend in the side, gesturing at me pointedly. “Ow—sorry, Jo. Didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m fine,” I squeaked, wiping my eyes, and then looked skyward, pretending to be completely engrossed by the sight of the moon. It was so bright tonight.

Gabriel placed his hand on the small of my back. “Look, just don’t rush it,” he advised, and then noting the look of increasing despair on Dante’s face added, “I’m sure she’ll come around.”

“Yes, she will!” I chirped, nodding in affirmation. “I mean she’s only hesitating because she doesn’t want to get her heart broken. She doesn’t want to take a risk on you until she’s sure that you’re no longer an immature man whore.”

Gabriel, Ryan, and Dante all quirked their eyebrows at me simultaneously, which suddenly had me desperately wanting to accept cake from a dubiously sane gentlemen wearing a cow-plant suit.

“Uhh, well, I mean—not that—I mean—well of course she didn’t say that it’s uh, it’s only a guess? Yes, a guess! It’s my guess. She never actually said that. My words entirely. Obviously.”

“…..I’m going to go staple this hat to my face.”

“What? No!” Ryan exclaimed, grabbing Dante’s shoulder, for he’d begun to walk off presumably in search of office supplies. “This is a good thing. She wants to give you a chance, so as long as you continue to show her that you’ve matured and that you’re only interested in her, you’re in!”

“In what?” Sammy asked amiably, having returned with a glowing green drink in her hand that was subtly smoking.

Dante grinned wolfishly, his silver-gold eyes glinting in the moonlight. “Well hopefully—” he began, and then was promptly cut off by both Gabriel and Ryan descending upon him and tackling him to the ground, hats and goggles flying into the air.

So much for showing maturity.

* * * * *

Can you hear me?

After eating candy apples, journeying through the haunted house (Dante screamed bloody murder when a “corpse” jumped out at him and latched onto Sammy, which she apparently found so endearing that she totally forgot about the incident from earlier), lots more glowing and bubbling drinks, and dancing to silly Halloween-themed songs like “Monster Mash,” our group split up for a bit.

Sammy and Dante went to go have a talk under the pretext of checking out the pumpkin patch, and Ryan excused himself to call his girlfriend, Shanta, who had unfortunately been unable to join us because she’d been feeling sick as of late.

As for Gabriel and I, we decided to keep dancing, which was pretty amusing on my end because Gabriel may have had a drink or two too many and was therefore prone to stumbling and then giggling about it afterward. Yes…giggling.

It also made him even less concerned about public displays of affection than usual, which meant that soon enough, we weren’t so much dancing as making out on the dance floor and I eventually pulled him behind the stacks of hay piled up on the side of the haunted house, fire licking up my spine as I hungrily sought as much contact with him as I possibly could. Perhaps it was the luminous full moon, or perhaps it was because Gabriel looked so damn sexy in his Halloween costume, but I found myself wanting him more than ever.

Can you hear me?

He, apparently, was having a similar reaction because it was barely a second after this thought crossed my mind that he breathed into my ear, “I want to fuck you so badly.”

The phrase had me feeling as though lightning had jolted my every nerve and I looked up at him in surprise. Gabriel backtracked, appearing embarrassed as he made to apologize, but I silenced him with a kiss, placing my hands on the sides of his face and tiptoeing to crush my lips even harder to his.

“Let’s head out,” I whispered, and then kissed him once more before I grabbed him by his coat and disappeared into the night, knowing somehow that we would not be missed.

* * * * *

I’m down to a whisper

I fell to my knees, the hard tile digging into them as I lost the entirety of my breakfast to the toilet. It was the third time I’d thrown up this week, and as I shakily stood up and went to the sink, I couldn’t help but feel that three instances spread out over an extended period of time did not sound like a stomach bug or food poisoning.

Still, as I rinsed out my mouth and reached for my toothbrush, I tried not to think about it too much, unwilling to get my hopes up. After nearly a year now of trying and failing, I couldn’t let a couple bouts of nausea tip the scales in favor of giddy hopefulness—not when I was sure that the weight of disappointment if I was mistaken would crush me flat.

Would crush us both flat, I mentally corrected, as I saw clearer than ever that Gabriel was continuing to blame himself for our difficulties, and that hurt even more than the fact that I still wasn’t pregnant. The fact that Ryan’s girlfriend was now expecting despite their having taken precautions otherwise seemed only to further strengthen this belief. We’d been discussing making an appointment with the doctor soon, but….

I spat out the toothpaste, rinsing my mouth out and then my toothbrush before replacing it in its holder and examining my reflection. My face was pale, my eyes overly bright. He’d know right away that something was wrong.

I took in a steadying breath, running my fingers through my hair and then pinching the apples of my cheeks so that color rose to their surface. If I couldn’t quell the hope that was already illuminated within my chest, perhaps I could at least prevent it from igniting in my husband’s before I felt more certain about this.

* * * * *

My plan to keep Gabriel in the dark did not last long; for after dinner not three days later, when I’d been feeling nauseous the majority of the evening, my stomach betrayed me again. I’d barely managed to reach the bathroom before I was wrenching open the toilet seat and puking up everything I’d just eaten.

When I’d been sure that my stomach couldn’t possibly eject anything else I stood up, flushing the contents away and trying not to let the sight of partly-digested pasta sicken me even further.

For a split second I thought that maybe Gabriel hadn’t come to see why I’d suddenly bolted from the table, but this hope was dashed as soon as I turned to brush my teeth and found him standing in the doorway, looking apprehensive.

Damn.

“Are you alright?”

“Threw up,” I mumbled in answer, and then turned to the sink, avoiding his eyes as I cupped my hands underneath the cool running water and brought it to my lips. My body was trembling, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of nerves, or because I’d just violently retched.

When I finished rinsing out my mouth and then brushing my teeth, I turned to face Gabriel, who’d been patiently waiting, or perhaps simply making sure that I was okay. “I’ve um—been sick on and off for…for a little over a week now,” I confessed in a small voice. I felt like I was treading on the thinnest of ice and even one false move could send me plunging into frigid waters.

“Oh. Do you—do you think you might be—” He stopped, pressing his lips together, but my mind had already completed the question for him.

In a daydream on a hill

“I’m not sure,” I replied honestly, folding my arms across my still uneasy stomach. “My period was…a bit funny last month. Like—a lot shorter and lighter, but I didn’t think anything of it because it can fluctuate or whatever, but…but now…I guess I’m thinking a bit more of it.”

I managed a tentative smile. He smiled a little too and then reached up to absently tousle his hair.

“I’m supposed to get it next week,” I continued, “so if I—if I miss I’ll um, I’ll take a test. This could be a weird stomach bug. Possibly.”

“Possibly,” Gabriel echoed. Our eyes met and then, not knowing who took the first step, we moved forward and hugged each other tightly.

Hope, once kindled, is not easily subdued.

* * * * *

I missed—or at the very least, I was late, but a few days late turned into a week late, and then once I was officially two weeks late I picked up a pregnancy test while purchasing a few items at the local store, hoping that this time it would bring good news.

“How long do we wait?” Gabriel asked, glancing at the plastic stick lying innocently on the bathroom counter.

“Two minutes.”

“An eternity,” he grumbled, and I laughed a little, shaking my head.

“I’ll set a timer so we don’t jump the gun,” I said, and then took my phone out of my pocket, raising the volume on it all the way and setting it for two minutes exactly. I tapped “Start” and then let it lie on the counter too, my heart racing with unbridled anticipation. Gabriel’s hand grazed mine and then grasped it tightly.

“If it’s negative, we schedule an appointment with the doctor—no more hesitating, okay?” he asked, his tone final.

“Okay,” I agreed with a slight wince. “And if it’s positive?”

“Then thank God,” he answered quietly, and then moved to kiss my forehead, causing my eyes to fall shut.

“Either way, I love you more than anything, Gabriel.”

“And either way I love you…more than anything.”

I lifted my head to brush his lips with mine and then tiptoed to kiss him more fully, wrapping one arm around his neck while I held onto his arm with the other. He kissed me back, pulling me close, and for that brief expanse of time I could feel myself relax.

More than anything and no matter what.

The alarm went off and we both tensed, my fingers digging into his triceps and his grip on my waist tight. I buried my face in his chest, resisting the urge to panic. Already I could feel my palms growing sweaty; adrenaline rocketing through my arteries like missiles.

“On three then?” Gabriel asked, his voice calm despite how I knew he must be feeling.

“Yes,” I whispered, and then carefully loosened my grip, taking a step back and turning to face the bathroom counter. “One….”

“Two.”

“Three,” I breathed, and we both stepped forward to look down at the display.

Shut down to a whisper….

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me…still?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~